Christmas and Birthday

So i realized i forgot to say anything about Christmas in my other post.  It was a good one, my mom and her fiance were here and grandpa went to his youngest for Christmas day. Im still hoping one year to just have a Christmas, or any holiday, to ourselves. Its not that i dont like having family around but it can get way too stressful. I will post a few pics from Christmas and a few from today, Dante's 3rd birthday! We only did a cake for him today cause we combined presents for Christmas and just dont have the finances for a party with Trystan on the way. And yes i made the cake.

Going to try my hand at mobile blogging

Ok so i havent blogged in like what 10 weeks? Wow it seems longer but my last post was when i was 20 weeks and im now 30 weeks and a few days! Its creeping up on us faster and faster. I will try and figure out how to post photos and maybe even try vlogging and see if that would be easier till we have a working laptop again.

First a few updates: so far we are keeping my bloodpressure good but we will more then likely have to adjust my meds next week at my appt since bps usually naturally raise during the 3rd trimester. Ive also been in what seems to be a constant panic mode since my last post since this time last pregnancy i was inbetween hospital stays and the point that Dante was born is fast approaching. Im just afraid that Trystan will be early and if he is i doubt my relationship with Tim could handle that again since it about tore us apart last time. Tim also may finally have a job he can rely on but we are still waiting to hear about it, if so it will be good money and make it to where we no longer have to worry about bills. OH YA AND DANTE TURNS 3 TOMORROW!!!!!!!! Omg i cant believe it my little 2 pound 13 ounce miracle will he 3!

Half Way There!

Yesterday (Tuesday) I hit 20 weeks pregnant! Its a big milestone to any mother that is or has been pregnant. Its the half way mark. As I hit this mark I have been thinking more and more about the labor and birth that I want. I have contacted a doula hoping to work out a payment plan and have contacted a midwife but have to find a different one since the one I choose is due the same time i am lol I have plenty of numbers I need to call and hope something falls into place. As much as I trust my OB to allow me to have the birth I want I also know that they use scare tactics to get moms to give into inductions on their time schedual and extremely dangerous to mother and baby, medical interventions that are in no way needed and can be extremely dangerous, and repeat c-sections which are so much more dangerous then a vaginal birth could ever be. Im so proud that I am educating myself this time, that I am not going to be that niave mother that believes that what ever the doctor says cause its a medical professional saying it, half the stuff they say are either lies or very very very outdated. I will never believe something that comes out of any doctors mouth without doing my own research and getting second and third opinions.

With that being said...

I just feel like rambling

I dont know why but I just feel like I have so much floating around in my head but Im unable to get it all out, at least all out at once. I guess most of it has to do with this pregnancy and the timing of it, not the best but you technically have no control of the timing, if its meant to happen it will one way or another and Ive always believed things only happen for a reason. I think most of whats floating around in my head has to do with how pregnancy, labor and birth are now looked at as a medical condition almost as a disease and not a natural way of life that should be left well enough alone, how im adamently against medical intervention unless its a proven life or death situation (which the more I think about Dante's birth the more I realize his wasnt! After all when they said he needed to come now it still took them over 5 hours to prep me and get me into surgery, wow what an emergency), or how Ive done years of research on different topics pretaining to pregnancy, labor, birth and post partum (breastfeeding, keeping a boy intact, placenta ecapsulation, etc) but yet people would rather just turn a blind eye to the facts that they are presented. Trust me ignorance isnt bliss!

Im also tired of how people seem to think that once they become pregnant they dont have to take care of themselves, that they can literally eat for two, that they can eat what ever they want and eat like pigs! People wonder why Americans are so unhealthy and mostly overweight and obese, maybe if we started education people on how to take care of their bodies, on how to eat right and that pregnancy is not an excuse to be a pig we would have a way healthier population! This comes from one of the online moms group im in thats for healthy weightloss, I posted that I was no longer tracking what I was eating or calorie counting but that I was still working out by walking during the evenings and working out in the gym a few times a week at almost 20 weeks pregnant and had a women comment about how she couldnt believe it that I was pregnant and its the time for me to slack and eat practically like a pig (although not her exact words). I blew! Thats what caused me to almost lose my son, I was niave with my first pregnancy and thought it was an excuse, I ate all processed crap, drank nothing but soda and was not in the least bit active. Ya im so totally not going down that road again.

I dont know maybe its just my hormones thats making all of this soooo much worst then it is but Im seriously not understanding how people can walk around and be extremely ignorant about such important issues!

October 15th ~ Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

Today is the day when families remember those that are the most precious that we carried but never got to meet and those that were only with us for a short time. Today we remember all babies born sleeping.

I lose two pregnancies both very early, one back in 2007 right after leaving my ex and the other just over a year ago. I may have never got a chance to see them or know them but they are still and will always be a part of my heart. Its true when they say even the tinest of feet leave prints on our hearts.

I would like to share some poems that helped my through my lost last year:

"An angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth.
Then whispered as she closed the book "too beautiful for earth".
~author unknown

Angel of my TearsHow do you love a person
who never got to be,
or try to envision a face
you never got to see?
How do you mourn the death of one
who never got to live.
When there's nothing to feel good about
and nothing to forgive?
I love you, my little baby,
my companion of the night.
Wandering through my lonely hours,
beautiful and bright.
What does it mean to die before
you ever were born,
to live the lovely night of life
and never see the dawn?
Ah! My little baby,
you lived like anyone!
Life's a burst of joy and pain.
And then like yours, it's done.
I love you, my little baby,
just as if you'd lived for years.
No more, no less, I think of you,
the Angel of my tears.
~Author Unknown.

What Makes A Mother
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked, "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard him say
A Mother has a baby
This we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can he replied
With confidence in his voice
I give many women babies
When they leave it is not their choice
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for the day
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God
I want my baby here

He took a breath
and cleared his throat
And then I saw a tear
I wish I could show you
What your child is doing Here

If you could see your child smile
With other children and say
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear,
but My mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight here!"
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who
had so much love for me
I learned my lessons very quickly
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow is where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear
"Mommy, Please don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I am here"

So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they'll stay
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lessons there are through
And on the day that you come home
they'll be at the gates waiting for you

So now you see
What makes a Mother
It's the feeling in your heart
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start
~Author Unknown

From my 'alter' I set up tonight at 7pm in honor of my babies and all babies that are lose.

I know that a lot of people think that you should no longer morn that of a lose pregnancy once you have a living child or that you should never morn a lose pregnancy to begin with but even though I have Dante and Tristan on the way I still feel the pain every year. I think of what it would be like if they had made it. What would they have been, boy or girl. What would their personalities be? I mean its constantly on your mind. You fear every pregnancy after a lose, think what if. I know that I should charish this pregnancy and I do, but there will always be the what ifs.

Photos and more pregnancy talk

June 30, 2011; very faint positive, thought I was seeing things

The one that brought me literally to my knees, only took a few seconds for it to show up

I needed digital proof.

My first prenancy photo, I look bad in this photo but I was tired. Its my goal to document this pregnancy since its one of my regrets from my pregnancy with Dante

4 months and cant even tell lol

starting to round out alittle

So have a round belly!

I popped! Im officially looking pregnant

I can still fit into my workout shirts!

Day before the big ultrasound! I was super nervous

I was so happy and over the moon when we found out it will be another boy! I caught it before the tech even did lol Yes there was a slight disappointment over it not being a girl but truthfully I knew it was a boy and didnt care. My baby is healthy and growing and only measuring a few days ahead of my estimated due date, so the tech said it could be over a week either way before I do into labor, just hope my OB doesnt pressure me with a repeat csection or induction. Neither she has yet to know Im fully against and will refuse anything I do not believe to be needed.

Im even more dead set on keeping my placenta and having it encapsulated (made into pills). After having very bad Post-Partum Depression (PPD) I am deadset on doing everything in my power to prevent it. I dont feel like going into details or arguring over how 'gross' it is. If you want to research it yourself or just want more info on the benefits then google placenta benefits or placenta encapsulation.