Half Way There!

Yesterday (Tuesday) I hit 20 weeks pregnant! Its a big milestone to any mother that is or has been pregnant. Its the half way mark. As I hit this mark I have been thinking more and more about the labor and birth that I want. I have contacted a doula hoping to work out a payment plan and have contacted a midwife but have to find a different one since the one I choose is due the same time i am lol I have plenty of numbers I need to call and hope something falls into place. As much as I trust my OB to allow me to have the birth I want I also know that they use scare tactics to get moms to give into inductions on their time schedual and extremely dangerous to mother and baby, medical interventions that are in no way needed and can be extremely dangerous, and repeat c-sections which are so much more dangerous then a vaginal birth could ever be. Im so proud that I am educating myself this time, that I am not going to be that niave mother that believes that what ever the doctor says cause its a medical professional saying it, half the stuff they say are either lies or very very very outdated. I will never believe something that comes out of any doctors mouth without doing my own research and getting second and third opinions.

With that being said...

I just feel like rambling

I dont know why but I just feel like I have so much floating around in my head but Im unable to get it all out, at least all out at once. I guess most of it has to do with this pregnancy and the timing of it, not the best but you technically have no control of the timing, if its meant to happen it will one way or another and Ive always believed things only happen for a reason. I think most of whats floating around in my head has to do with how pregnancy, labor and birth are now looked at as a medical condition almost as a disease and not a natural way of life that should be left well enough alone, how im adamently against medical intervention unless its a proven life or death situation (which the more I think about Dante's birth the more I realize his wasnt! After all when they said he needed to come now it still took them over 5 hours to prep me and get me into surgery, wow what an emergency), or how Ive done years of research on different topics pretaining to pregnancy, labor, birth and post partum (breastfeeding, keeping a boy intact, placenta ecapsulation, etc) but yet people would rather just turn a blind eye to the facts that they are presented. Trust me ignorance isnt bliss!

Im also tired of how people seem to think that once they become pregnant they dont have to take care of themselves, that they can literally eat for two, that they can eat what ever they want and eat like pigs! People wonder why Americans are so unhealthy and mostly overweight and obese, maybe if we started education people on how to take care of their bodies, on how to eat right and that pregnancy is not an excuse to be a pig we would have a way healthier population! This comes from one of the online moms group im in thats for healthy weightloss, I posted that I was no longer tracking what I was eating or calorie counting but that I was still working out by walking during the evenings and working out in the gym a few times a week at almost 20 weeks pregnant and had a women comment about how she couldnt believe it that I was pregnant and its the time for me to slack and eat practically like a pig (although not her exact words). I blew! Thats what caused me to almost lose my son, I was niave with my first pregnancy and thought it was an excuse, I ate all processed crap, drank nothing but soda and was not in the least bit active. Ya im so totally not going down that road again.

I dont know maybe its just my hormones thats making all of this soooo much worst then it is but Im seriously not understanding how people can walk around and be extremely ignorant about such important issues!

October 15th ~ Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

Today is the day when families remember those that are the most precious that we carried but never got to meet and those that were only with us for a short time. Today we remember all babies born sleeping.

I lose two pregnancies both very early, one back in 2007 right after leaving my ex and the other just over a year ago. I may have never got a chance to see them or know them but they are still and will always be a part of my heart. Its true when they say even the tinest of feet leave prints on our hearts.

I would like to share some poems that helped my through my lost last year:

"An angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth.
Then whispered as she closed the book "too beautiful for earth".
~author unknown

Angel of my TearsHow do you love a person
who never got to be,
or try to envision a face
you never got to see?
How do you mourn the death of one
who never got to live.
When there's nothing to feel good about
and nothing to forgive?
I love you, my little baby,
my companion of the night.
Wandering through my lonely hours,
beautiful and bright.
What does it mean to die before
you ever were born,
to live the lovely night of life
and never see the dawn?
Ah! My little baby,
you lived like anyone!
Life's a burst of joy and pain.
And then like yours, it's done.
I love you, my little baby,
just as if you'd lived for years.
No more, no less, I think of you,
the Angel of my tears.
~Author Unknown.

What Makes A Mother
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked, "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard him say
A Mother has a baby
This we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can he replied
With confidence in his voice
I give many women babies
When they leave it is not their choice
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for the day
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God
I want my baby here

He took a breath
and cleared his throat
And then I saw a tear
I wish I could show you
What your child is doing Here

If you could see your child smile
With other children and say
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear,
but My mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight here!"
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who
had so much love for me
I learned my lessons very quickly
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow is where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear
"Mommy, Please don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I am here"

So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they'll stay
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lessons there are through
And on the day that you come home
they'll be at the gates waiting for you

So now you see
What makes a Mother
It's the feeling in your heart
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start
~Author Unknown

From my 'alter' I set up tonight at 7pm in honor of my babies and all babies that are lose.

I know that a lot of people think that you should no longer morn that of a lose pregnancy once you have a living child or that you should never morn a lose pregnancy to begin with but even though I have Dante and Tristan on the way I still feel the pain every year. I think of what it would be like if they had made it. What would they have been, boy or girl. What would their personalities be? I mean its constantly on your mind. You fear every pregnancy after a lose, think what if. I know that I should charish this pregnancy and I do, but there will always be the what ifs.

Photos and more pregnancy talk

June 30, 2011; very faint positive, thought I was seeing things

The one that brought me literally to my knees, only took a few seconds for it to show up

I needed digital proof.

My first prenancy photo, I look bad in this photo but I was tired. Its my goal to document this pregnancy since its one of my regrets from my pregnancy with Dante

4 months and cant even tell lol

starting to round out alittle

So have a round belly!

I popped! Im officially looking pregnant

I can still fit into my workout shirts!

Day before the big ultrasound! I was super nervous

I was so happy and over the moon when we found out it will be another boy! I caught it before the tech even did lol Yes there was a slight disappointment over it not being a girl but truthfully I knew it was a boy and didnt care. My baby is healthy and growing and only measuring a few days ahead of my estimated due date, so the tech said it could be over a week either way before I do into labor, just hope my OB doesnt pressure me with a repeat csection or induction. Neither she has yet to know Im fully against and will refuse anything I do not believe to be needed.

Im even more dead set on keeping my placenta and having it encapsulated (made into pills). After having very bad Post-Partum Depression (PPD) I am deadset on doing everything in my power to prevent it. I dont feel like going into details or arguring over how 'gross' it is. If you want to research it yourself or just want more info on the benefits then google placenta benefits or placenta encapsulation.

Its Been Along Time! ~ Yes Long

After Im not sure how long I am finally about to get on a laptop! Ya I could mobile blog but typing up a long ass entry on a touchscreen phone would take way too long and have probably way too many spelling errors. Anyway since my last post a few things have happened, and I doubt there will be any vents about Tims parents since they havent tried contacting us since the email.


Lets see that was June 26th so on June 30th I realized that I was a couple days late and well tested mid-day (which is a no-no, you are to test in the am lol) and got a very not faint positve! I honestly didnt think I was pregnant, and when I saw it say pregnant I collapsed and hit the floor crying. I had plans on surprising Tim but kinda gave it away in a text message to him and tried denying it but to no evail. I was so affriad to let anyone know that we decided to keep it a secret as long as we could, which now that I think about it wouldnt have been easy lol So as I sit here today I am 19wks 1dy with a little BOY! We couldnt be happy although we both wanted a girl lol but I deep down knew it was another boy, we already have a name picked out and its Tristan Lee Powell. At least this way we dont have to spend as much on clothing and stuff but we do need a crib, dresser/changing table, infant carseat, highchair and/or booster, etc... So we have till March to prepair for this baby but the crib Im not too worried about cause baby will sleep in a bassinett for about the first six months. I also have so many things about this pregnancy and the baby that I am deadset on doing, 1: I will do everything possible to have a competely natural VBAC, no monitoring, no ivs, no nothing! 2: this baby will be left intact just like Dante was, circumcion is unnessacary, cosmetic, and not recommended by any medical society. 3: This baby will never leave my view, he will room in and I will be there to watch all exams and give the first bath. 4: This little man will be exclusively breastfeed for at least a year (one year recommened by the AAP and two years recommended by WHO)! No pacifiers, no bottles. We will do baby lead solids and baby lead weaning. Babies do not selfwean before a year unless given way too much solids which are to be more like a dessert then a main course. 5: This baby will be extended rear-faced in his carseat till he reaches the limit, something I wished I had done with Dante.


Anyway enough of that lol since my last post alot has happened with my grandfather. The leg that had the infected foot he had to have amputated just before the knee but they seem to have gotten all the infection which is good and are starting to get him set for a prostectic and will be starting rehab soon. They have also decided not to deal with any of is other medical problems which means he could have anywhere from a month to a few years left, which scares me since I lost my grandmother less then a year ago. We are still wanting to move from here back to Central Oregon but now it just seems harder and he needs someone here to help him.


Dante is doing good, getting closer to turning three which is really sad that he is growing up soooo fast. We talk to him about his little brother but either he just doesnt understand or he just doesnt care. We had a review for his disability with a doctor that we had never meant nor do we like. She flat out stated that she cant evaluate his motorskills or speach but yet is still telling the state that he is fine. Um hello he isnt fine! He is almost three and barely 25 pounds! Ya he is talking better but has a delay, ya he is walking and running but he cant use a crayon or pencil. I really hope that the state wises up and has someone that can fully eval him look at him. With Halloween coming up we just got Dantes costume, he is going to be Mater from Cars, well if we can get him to keep in on.


Anyway thats about all that I have time for right now, will do a photo post soon with my pregnancy photos.

The EMAIL! This Is A Good Read!

So I figured its safe to share the email from Tim's parents that caused my last rant. I will imput on it ir red just like my teachers used to do lol this should be fun.

Tim I don't know who you have been listening to but we never ever expected you to be perfect and your sister is not perfect either. We never ever told you that you had to be like Tracy. We never once compared the two of you and you know it and we never would do that to our child. Really is that why Tim tells me stories all the time about how everything he did was never good enough and that how when his sister got good grades she was always bought new things and he never got anything! You are right about one thing though right now. We only have a daughter because our son is being an ass. As to the attack on Nikki that was not started by us and you know it but are just to stubborn to admit it. Oh really then why is it that all the attacks can be found on their facebook pages and not mine!  Why was it always started by their fb statuses calling me names and saying I was abusing? And yes I have proof. We do know one thing for sure and that is that your word is worth absolutely nothing. When you picked Dante up that last time you came in here crying about how bad things were there and that you didn't want to go back there. Umm no if I remember right it was about how my family members that DONT live here where treating us and it has drastically changed since then and they respect us now. You also promised us that despite Nikki saying we would never see Dante again that you would make sure that we had a relationship with our grandson. Ya well this official cut off from Dante was Tim's choice cause of what they did to us, to me after they found out I had/was going through a miscarriage. Do you know how to tell the truth at all anymore? lol apparently we arent the only ones. She has problems that she needs professional help for. Oh you mean my depression, my ADHD, my PTSD and my anxiety/panic attacks? Wow way to use those as a weapon like that wont make it worst for me, after all Im Pagan and believe in natural ways of dealing with things. We know that you love her. It is our right to like or dislike a person. Then you will face the consequences cause we are a packaged deal. Who else attacked Nikki in your eyes? Lets see his mom, his sister, and three of his cousins (I will not post names). Think about this. If we came to your house and we said vile, nasty and unimaginable things to you two and made accusations and told lies about us harming our grandson would you want that person to come around again? Would you stand for that in your own home? If you have even a small piece of the young man that we raised your answer would be a quick and definite NO. Well no neither of us would but I never said vile, nasty and unimaginable things and no way in hell did I ever say they were harming our son! If you are honest the answer would be a strong NO. She has said stuff to us that was uncalled for and most of which is lies. The only things that I ever said in their home was stuff to defend myself and my family! They attack my in their home by calling me names accusing me of being unfit and what they expect me to not defend myself just cause its their home, I dont think so!  You can keep saying our son all you like about Dante but you cannot change the fact that he is our grandson and will always be our grandson regardless of what you say. But he is OUR SON and I dont care if you are technically his grandparents that doesnt change all the crap you have done and said and that NEITHER of us want you in our or his life. That is a fact that cannot be changed just because you want it to be. We do not want you to live by our rules. LOL ya right. We know that you are a grown up, at the moment once again you are not acting like it. Really I though standing up for yourself and making your voice and opinions and thoughts know was being an adult? You seem to think that because you have a son that that makes you better than Tracy. It does not and how do you know she hasn't given us a grandchild or isn't pregnant right now since you have cut all of your family out of your life? Um cause you said that you are glad Tim gave you a grandchild and that you wished Tracy would too, and since you had the gal to email him and say that you got a new dog that you would do so if she was pregnant lol also we havent cut out all of his family just a good handful. We do not have a problem with you being with Nikki. That is your choice and we know that you love her. Didnt they already say this just with different works? Just because you love her does not mean that we have to ignore our values that you were raise by too and ignore our feelings. Fine just dont push them on us or OUR son. This is not about Nikki it is about Dante and you seem to have lost sight of that fact. Umm ya they are the ones making it all about me and not my son, they are the ones that brought my name into this last year and made it all about me. We will not stand by and let anyone come to our home and then attack us verbally and then spread lies about us to everyone that will listen to her. Lies! lol ya sure believe what you want. I guess you have a very short memory. When Dante was born it was you who ask for our help because you wanted to leave her. Umm ya only cause he was scared of raising a preemie and wanted to leave me for another women that had two kids, but now look at us happy!  When we finally got to see and get to know Dante last summer it was Nikki that flipped out over something that you guys had both told us it was okay to do. The mature thing would have been that if you had changed your minds to give us a call and we would have stopped what you guys had already approved. Just because if it were reversed and it was us that had a child and ask for something to not be done or used and we called to ask you to stop it do not paint us with the same brush because we would have stopped whatever it really was that made her go ballistic. Oh the whole toothbrush issue! I almost forgot about this lol.  Lets see first off when we left Dante there we said to use the toothbrush we sent, so they went and bought an electrict one!  They called and told us, Tim said it was ok but I told him no they use only the one we sent cause I want him to learn.  They are the ones that after being told to stop refused and kept doing it, going against the wishes of the parents, ya I went ballistic! You can keep telling yourselves that Dante is your son but it will never change the fact that he is our grandson. Again didnt they already say this? If to much time goes by before we see him again it will go to court. Grandparents have rights to their grandkids. lol this makes me laugh! I have read up on grandparents rights here in Oregon and guess what they have the burden to prove that we are unfit, that we are harming him from not letting him around them and they have to have had contact for at least six months prier to the filing!  Ya they havent had contact with him for about eight months! Nice try especially since he is super super happy and healthy without them.  Can you afford a court battle because let me tell you we will go to court to get court ordered visitation rights if we have to. Um well since he is on state assistance he court fee will be paid for by the state so ya we can afford it. That is not what we want to do but we will if we have to. You are doing all of this based on lies. You can also tell us every day for the rest of your life that we no longer have a son but that is a fact that you cannot change either. While you guys are playing your little power games I guess it doesn't matter about your son. Um wait what? Are you saying that we arent focused on taking care of him? Ya what ever. We will readily admit that it is hard not being in his life but what you guys are doing to that boy by denying him to know his own grandparents is hurting him. Really cause what he doesnt know wont hurt him, get a life. Who knows what lies he has heard but you know deep down in there were that young man we raised is that we would never ever do anything to harm one hair on that angles head. First off its spelled angel and secondly we have never told him a lie and not to mention he is too young to understand. You can delete it but just remember the next time you need money or a place to stay for a a day or two that we may not always be here to let you stay. Find we have friends and I have family. You can only slap us in the face so many times with your behavior before we will not be there to help when you really need it. Since we don't have a son any longer in your eyes, go to Nikki's page on 365 and read a letter on there that she posted. Umm 365 what? Sorry 365project is a photo blog only so there is no letter posted there lol Nikki if you are the one reading this go ahead and delete it we have copies, anyway Tim you go on there and read that letter and you may not be so eager to stand up for her. She posted a letter on there that she readily admits that she has been cheating on you with another man. Oh they must mean on here my blog! Well they are stalking me now.  And as for the post admitting that I cheated well he knows and it says point blank in there otherwise I wouldnt have posted it. We have worked everything out, moved on and gotten stronger cause of it. Talk about putting dumb stuff on line that one is up there near the top. I could care less right now if you come or not. You need to grow up and take off your rose colored glasses. Never ever accuse us again of picking your sister over you because she is the perfect child. We never ever said or did anything to make you think that let alone speak it. refere to beginning of email lol Know where that came from. Nobody is perfect and we never pitted one child against the other. We never told you that you needed to be like Tracy or ever even compared you to her. You cannot do that if you love your child and we loved both of our children. parents always prefere on child over the other and from the stories they prefered Tracy over Tim. I think you might have burned your last bridge today. GOOD! It would be a shame if we had to sue you to see our grandchild. Go ahead We may not care for his mother but we are mature enough that he will never hear that from our lips or any other way. Bullshit! My advise to you two is to go and get some professional help if you really love each other. Umm what? If we love eachother we need help! Nikki's behavior is not that of someone who claims they love you. Oh lol Neither one of your guys behavior is that of a mature person. You will always be our son but that does not mean that we have to agree with everything you say and think. It does not mean that we have to be there for you when you need help. I guess you forgot all that we did to help you get your Social Security um maybe cause you had to so you/he could afford his meds and appointments and not one but two trucks. I guess you don't remember how hard we worked to get you an apartment to live in on your own and made sure that you had food to eat. Didnt have too. That is okay. You seem to have grown up in a totally different home that the one you did. At the moment I could care less if we see you anytime soon but just remember we will not wait forever for you to grow up and let us back in Dante's live. We will take you to court for court ordered visitation rights. Again repeating what was already said! Very annoying. Despite what you may think we do have some rights concerning Dante. I never told you this before but since you don't plan on seeing us ever again why not. When you guys came here to stay for a few days the last time because there was a lot of fighting going on there and you wanted Dante out of there, I saw Nikki slap Dante and scream vile and vulgar names at you son. You know why? He was bothering her while she was watching a soap opera. Several family members saw with their own eyes how afraid Dante is of his own so called Mother. Oh I have been waiting for this one! Lets see that time we stayed there was during the weekend when soaps ARE NOT ON! Imagine that lol I would NEVER SLAP or YELL VILE and VULGAR things at my own son. And that would mean that none of their family members could have seen that! Grow up and stop making up lies! Chew on that for a while but do not contact us bitching about what we have told you. We can't believe a word that comes out of your mouth. You tell lies and promises that you never keep. Very abrupt end.

 Wow thats a lot of red! Well there you have it, the email that caused my hissy fit lol. Well what you all think?

Calling My Followers!

You now can immerse yourself in the life of the man in my life that you hear so much about!  He has started his own blogging and just like me has two separate one.  I have the pleasure, I think lol, of sharing the links to his blogs with you all.  Please if you could follow his blogs for me. 

http://dantesblog-dante9199.blogspot.com/

http://dante9199-weighttrainingandlife.blogspot.com/

Let Them Fucking Threaten Court, We Could Careless!

Tim's parents are at it again! I thought we got rid of them.  They are once again playing head games and threatening court.  They are trying to make me out as the bad person and use history as their weapon against me to get Tim so agree with them.  When he read this newest email he almost threw his computer and stormed upstairs. He is tired of this shit and just wants to live his life his way and thats currently without them in it.  It hurts me when I see him hurting, he doesnt need this and neither does our son.  We are his parents and we made the choice to cut them out, this last time was Tim's choice.  They are after me cause if have 'problems' that need professional help for! Fucking people! Im a Pagan and I believe in natural remedies, I dont want to dop myself up to where I cant take care of my son!  I have been fine this last year, just dealing with life!  Since I started working out daily and lossing weight I havent once felt depression or any of that crap, I look forward to waking up in the morning, going to the gym, taking walks with Dante and Tim.  I love playing outside with my son now that its warm enough to do so.  Oh and Im also pretty sure they are stalking my blogs, they mentioned something in the email that neither of us can figure out other then it refering to my blog.  They mentioned about me cheating on Tim, and I have only talked about it here.  Ya I fucked up but he forgave me, we moved on and we are stronger, big fucking deal, its not like Tim hasnt screwed up like that since he has been with me, bet they dont know that!  Ugg stupid people do stupid things like Tim would say lol They also said that the last time we stayed out there that they and other members of the family saw me slap my son and yell at him for inturupting my daytime soaps! First off we stayed during the weekend so there wasnt any soaps one! Secondly I would never hit or yell at my son!  He is my baby, my miracle baby!  Im not every going to do anything that would hurt him.  They also said that they could tell he was 'scared of his so called mom', thats bullshit! If he was so scared of me then why is it he is always coming to me to be held when he is hurt or gets in trouble by daddy?  Why does he cuddle on my lap when he is tired and not his dads?  They just need to leave us alone and get it threw their heads that they are done, they no longer have a son, no longer have a grandson. They have crossed the line on too many times! 

All Creatures Great and Small

It may be cause of my Paganistic personality or just my natural soft heart for all things living but I have realized that I have been watching and paying very close attention to the animals that I have been seeing.  I care about all things living, they all in one way or another play an important roll in the ecosystem and I may say that ya I hate this creature or this creature but honestly I don't.  Some scare me, or creep me out or what not but I cant hate a living creature that is just doing what comes naturally to it, whether it be protecting itself, its family, trying to survive by hunting prey to eat.  This has been on my mind a lot lately since a local news station broke the story of a cougar that was trying to be trapped due to being spotted among some houses located in a part of a forest.  I'm sad to say that they did capture it and dispose of it :(  its sad that people cant see that we are invading their territory, that these animals have more of a right to this land then we do.  Yes there is always a SLIM chance that a person could be attacked but only if the animal feels threatened or the person is just being plain stupid (at which point I say the person is just asking for it).  I was skimming the news channel again looking at stories and there have been two more spotted and I'm just worried that they will meet the same fate because they are just in wrong place at the wrong time.  No animals should ever be killed when there are other things that can be done, like relocating them. 

Anyway . . . As for me paying more attention to the animals around me I have noticed birds more then anything.  I usually notice them when they are doing something strange or funny though and I never seem to have a video camera on me.  Two things that really stick in my memory is one day walking out of the gym I could hear something on the tin roof and looked up to see a bird bathing in the gutter, I got a good laugh out of that.  The other was a couple days ago when coming out of the gym I happened to glance up the hill and saw a bird trying to run up the hill packing something.  As I watched longer I noticed it was packing a feather that was easily twice its own size.  To add to this even more it was kinda windy which was not is the birds favor lol poor little thing kept loosing the feather and would have to run to pick it back up and then try to run back up the hill with it again.  I got a good kick out of it. 

I will say though that a lot of the things that have been happening with animals to be lately are not all happy, amusing or cute.  Since its getting warming snakes are now out and we have to be careful on our afternoon/evening walks.  We have seen a bull snake laying along the road in the grass, a water snake along the road that I chased off so the dog wouldn't go after it and the other day a rattler laying right in the middle of the road.  Wasn't sure if it was alive or dead (leaning towards live at the time, no signs of it being hurt but when I threw a rock at it it didn't move and didn't move when we walked by it).  Needless to say the next day it was smashed in the road and very gross looking.  Plus driving home at night when we go somewhere I'm usually good at not hitting any but last night wasn't able to avoid one and drove right over the middle of the poor thing, surprising wasn't all that upset about it.  Probably about 45 minutes earlier I was paying attention to the road but still somehow managed to hit a small bird, made me feel like crap.  I'm not even sure how I hit it either.  Neither Tim or I ever saw the bird in the road or anything and I just remember seeing it bounce off the hood and then hitting the window and scaring the shit out of me!  The rest of the way home I couldn't stop seeing in the back of my mind what I saw when I looked in the rear-view mirror and saw when it landed and bounced on the road.  I'm the type of person that gets sick when I hit an animal and should really learn not to look in the mirror, I'm the type of person that when I hit a bunny last year had to go back and move it out of the road cause I couldn't stomach someone else running if over.  I know some people consider that pathetic and weak but its why I dream of one day being a veterinarian so I can help animals.  I think I'm rambling lol anyway I had to keep telling myself that everything happens for a reason and even prayed to the Goddess of the Earth to forgive for taking a life of one of her creatures. 

LIFE

So life is still going here and thats about it lol few things if any have changed.  Tim has been working odd jobs here and there but nothing permenant or that pays much.  It really irritates me that some of the people here wont even give him a chance.  We finally talked, kinda, about him staying with a friend over in Redmond/Bend and getting a job and saving money so we could get a place and move but there is no one that he could realistically stay with.  Not to mention if we did find someone that he could stay with and was able to save up money we still have a huge road block when it comes to getting into a place.  Tim has a record and I think half the time he forgets about it, but its always on my mind. 

Anyway, I have came to the conclusion that I must at least try my hardest to get along with my mother, at least for my son.  She showed up alone for a few days and although we had it out when she first showed up things cooled off for the rest of the time she was here.  I have agreed that she may take Dante for a few to stay with her but Im still unsure if its a good idea.  Im still extremely pissed at what she did, about her lying to me and acting like Im stupid, but there isnt anything that I can do about it. 

So as of recently I have practically threw out my workout plan and doing it freestyle, I figure since I will be in shorts alot from now one that I need to at least try to tan my legs and I may have made a good dent at it.  I layed in the sun, rotating, for a couple hours today and when outside my legs still looked stark white but a couple hours later after our walk my legs started to burn!  I pulled up my pant leg and my leg was red and hurting!  Ya just great lol so maybe for once I will have tanned legs to show off in shorts.

Been Neglecting This Blog

I have been so focused on exercising, weight loss, eating healthier and just plain old life that I have been neglecting this blog for sometime.  A lot has happened since the last time I posted.  The last time I posted in this blog was at the beginning of April.  Since then My mom and I haven't had any contact other then when I contacted her to inform her that my grandfather's aunt had passed away.  Tim and I officially have our own cell phone account with new numbers and new phones.  A week after we did that I called our old numbers to check and see if they were still in use and both his and mine are no longer connected (Robert's isn't either), called my moms number off of the house phone here and hers is somehow still on.  We where the only ones paying it and she as far as we know doesn't have an income so I'm guess she got her bf's mom to pay the bill but that's a lot of money.  We stopped paying it a couple months ago to that would be almost $350 for April and another almost $350 for May plus the shut off fees for my number and Tim's number which would total $300, so in all that would totally over or around $1,000 to keep her account active, I cant honestly see that old lady paying that much.  She also somehow finds the $85 every month to pay her auto insurance for her car. 

Tim and I have been contemplating moving back to Central Oregon even more lately, there is just a lot that would have to be done in order for that to happen.  I think the easiest way for that to happen would be for Tim to stay with someone so he could obtain a job and save up money then we could find a place and Dante and I could move over there too.  I haven't brought this up to him yet.  But there is just a lot more that has to be considered.  My grandfather for sure.  I want to talk to my uncles about what they would want to do if Tim and I moved, they know that he cant be here alone, he wont cook, clean, or grocery shop if he is alone here.  I would hate for it to come down to him being moved into a home, but I really don't see any other option if we move cause no one else would be willing to move here and take care of him or the house.  But we miss all of our friends, we miss being able to go do things, and we just cant survive here, even my uncles know that.  There is also the fact that we have little to no furniture of our own.  We have Dante's bed and dresser, we have a dresser and could either take my old bed or my grandmother's old bed, we have an entrainment center and also a lot of miscellanies stuff.  I also have dishes, glasses, silverware, cooking supplies so that isnt a problem its just the furniture.  We need a bed, a couch or two, maybe a chair or two, we have a dinning room table just no chairs, have a desk just no chair, need a tv.  Ug just way too much hassel but has to be done, I have been scouring craigslist alot lately trying to find what we need.  Oh and we still have the issue of the car.  I have someone that is wanting to buy my toyota for $250 but he is trying to get the money still, jobs around here pay shit.  And as for my chevy once the yota is gone I will have the chev moved back here to the house and will clean in out.  I found a company that is willing to travel here to look at it and possibly give my $180 for it with free haul-a-way, which isnt bad seeing that the motor is torn apart and needs a lot fo repairs done to it.

One a good note, Tim has a job, at least for now.  I believe its just temporary but its still a job for now.  The first day he work roughly 4 hours then the next two he worked roughly 6 hours.  He is getting paid $9 an hour which is good and its just helping out a friend right now so its all as far as I know under the table.  Its not gonna be much but I hope it helps in someway.  I thinking I will just put all the money somewhere and use it towards a car or maybe just use it to spoil myself. 

All in all its been an interesting almost couple of months. 

Stubborn Fucking Ass!!!!!!!!!

I just dont fucking understand how someone (a male friend of mine) can be fucking on unemployment and be fine with sitting on his ass all day everyday and let his fiance (who was on unemployment but got dropped and working barely half-time) pick up all the bills.  She is ready to walk out on him!  I really dont blame her I know what its like.  Tim and I both spent I dont know how long on the phone with him, Tim was talking to him calmly and I was yelling at him.  He kept telling us that he has been applying for jobs but he does it when she is asleep, well I called bullshit on that and he wouldnt pull up the online apps to prove it either.  He should be out there pounding the fucking pavement every fucking day till he finds a job! He told me there are no options for jobs over there, well bullshit with that too!  I was online looking for jobs for his fiance and found like 10 or more in less the 15 minutes!  If it was Tim and I going through this right now Tim would lose everything electronic till he got a fucking job and he knows that.  If I was her I would get rid of his PS3, his computer and everything!  But then that is just me. 

Anyway I just got a text message from her and they talked after we got off the phone and they are both going out Monday and pound the pavement and find her a better job with more hours and him a job! God I sure hope we really did get it through his head and he does get a job.  I love them both and as much as I would hate to see them split I understand and doubt that I would be able to stay friends with him if he loses her over something this stupid.

Life Goes On With Or Without You

As much as I would love to stay in bed every morning and never get up I know that I have to.  I have people that depend on me, mainly my son.  It seems that we are always getting the short end of the stick too. 

So in January Tim's fathers social security check was accidently deposited into our account cause apparently Tim and his father both updated checking account info around the same time.  Any way when we first brought it to their attention they threatened to have us arrested for their mistake!  Anyway... we didnt hear from them till we recieved a letter from them stating they were listing it as an overpayment on Tim's and Dante's checks, ok fine so now all I had to do was write out a check to them and send it to them, well done.  Well then a month later there is no cashing of the check and we contacted them and they never recieved it so I went online and put a stop payment on it and listed it as lost.  So when we were in Bend on the 10th of March we went into the local office and wrote a new check and handed it over and they gave us proof of payment and everything.  Well a week later it was cashed, thank god!  Well then we recieve a letter stating that Tim's and Dante's checks are going to be docked to pay back the money so of course I panic and Tim calls them only to be told that its fine that that letter was auto sent and didnt reflect the payment we made, ok so we are safe right.  Well on April 1st the checks are deposited into my account and I write out all of the checks to pay the bills.  Well then Saturday morning, the 2nd, I wake up to only check my email and find a notification from my bank stating that I have no money and actually Im in the red for almost $200!  I freak!  Of course with it being a Saturday we cant do a fucking thing.  So Im crying and upset and for the only time in my life I have to ask my grandfather for money.  Of course I get a lecture from him and he was totally in the wrong though saying that I shouldnt use online banking but if it wasnt for the online banking I would have never known about it to begin with.  I mean how does a check that has a stop payment on it still get fucking cashed!  Anyway when Monday came around Tim called Social Security and they told him that they show that only one check, the last one we wrote out, was cashed.  Anyway me not think I didnt bother to check my account till after he called.  When I finally checked it the money was back it there!  OMG I have never been so fucking happy to log onto my account lol.  Anyway I have so been thinking about how this could have happened and Im wondering that since it went through on a Saturday that the computer just wasnt able to catch it till Monday. 

Also we are having difficulties in potty training our 27 month old son.  One week he is all excited about sitting on the potty and will even sneak off and we catch him sitting on it, fully clothed, so we pull his pants down and remove his diaper and he will sit there for a few minutes then get off.  Well then the next week he acts as if he is terrified of it!  Like today, when he went to take a bath he kept seeing pee pee so I put his poty cushion on the toilet and his stool in front of it and he freaked.  He started backing our of the bathroom almost ready to cry.  Ugg I knew that little boys can be stubborn when it comes to this but come on! 

I just dont know anymore what to do.

I Just Need To Scream!

Maybe then I will feel better!  One minute Im happy and living my life then the next my life gets turned upside down as always.  Ya this so has to do with my mom.  Well I can remember if I talked about what she did with her truck or not already so the short version is: she was days away from the dealership here (yes there is a thriving dealership in a town of less then 500 ppl) repoing her truck due to her breaking the contract and not paying what she was supposed to pay.  Well she up and went to a dealership up where she is and traded the truck into them and got $11,000 roughly for it (they are reselling it for roughly $16,000).  Anyway that dealership called the one here and made a ten day payoff and gave them $3,000 to pay off the truck.  Well that left $8,000 that she could have pocketed and walked with.  Well what do you think she did?  She bought a car from the lot for the $8,000 instead, she didnt need a car they have a Yukan and neither of them work so its not like they need to vehicals!  I was fucking pissed!  She knew she could have walked with that money and she knew that she should have paid my grandfather (her dad) back the money HE paid to the dealership for her truck payment and the money that HE paid for her truck insurance!  She also is supposed to pay me $200 a month for the cell phone bill and guess what I have seen any of that money!  She could have gave me a little to cover some of what she owes me!  It just fucking pisses me off that she says that she loves me but she always fucking thinks of herself and her fucking fiance first!  She knew that the money she owed me would go to me fixing my car or getting a different one altogether!  Now cause of her I cant afford to fix my car so Im gonna have to junk both of them and its gonna take me months and months to save for a car.  We got into a huge fight through facebook messages and I told her unless I see $200 by the 9th of April then the phone will be shut off and then she started threatening me.  I finally got tired of it and told her to stay out of my life and out of my sons life.  Im finally done with my mom and even though I feel bad about how and what happened its something I know I should have done along time ago.  Time doesnt heal all wounds, it just makes it easier to live with them.

Trouble in Paradise

Ok ya so I wouldn't call my life a paradise but hey there has definitely been trouble.  First a couple days ago when I was playing the online PS3 game MAG (online real time multi-player war game) and I totally realized how many sexist chauvinistic pigs there are in the fucking world!  I just so happened to be the only female on my squad and all of a sudden I could hear the guys talking about 'the female'.  At first they tried a few times to vote to have me kicked out of the squad and off the game but failed.  Well the next thing I know when I'm set up in a prime location sniping the enemies I see one of my members run up behind me and shoot me in the head!  I'm all like WTF was that and accident or something and just shrugged it off then it kept happening probably a half a dozen times or more! I was pissed and started shooting at the ones that were killing me and launching rockets at them, I was totally pissed off!  Well then when I calmed down and raked up a pretty good streak of kills they finally succeeded to kick me off the squad and caused me to lose all points I would have gained!  ALL CAUSE I WAS A FUCKING GIRL PLAYING A WAR GAME! 

Well now today I got pissed off at a close friend of mine cause she told me I need to quite cursing on facebook cause some people may not like that!  Ok ya like I havent dealt with this before.  I cant remember how long ago it was but I got in a fight with one of my sisters about me cursing on MY facebook cause our little sister and brother could see it, well guess what bitch they know how to remove me if they dont want to fucking see it!  Well back to today. . . So I get fucking attacked for cursing on MY fucking facebook!  Oh my fucking god its called fucking freedom of speech!!!!!!!!!!  I will not change who I am, how I act, how I talk or what I say just to fucking appease some fucking ass!  If someone doesnt fucking like something about me then they can go fucking screw themselves and remove me from their fucking friends list!  Ugg I so hate fucking people today!!!!!

Ok so on a lighter note lol. . . Last night was the so called 'Supermoon'.  It was the closes the moon has been to the earth in 18 years.  Some places it appeared closer then others.  Here I was able to see it and get some pics of it.  I could so see that it was way brighter then it normally was cause it had the entire sky lite up drastically and I was able to get some amazingly zoomed in photos of it that I have never been able to do. 

There is a thin line that we all agree needs defined

So on one of the site that I use daily there was a story of a women that had her water break at 22 wks and went into labor (story can be found HERE).  Well in the state were she lives its illegal to do an abortion after 20 wks to prevent undue pain to a fetus.  Well I may be anti-abortion but that's not way that law should be used.  As you read the story it explains that as the contractions continued fluid was leaked causing the baby to not be able to move and ended up being smashed by the one thing that was to protect it, the uterus.  Well the baby was eventually delivered, and only lived for 15 minutes before passing away in the arms of the mother, but after much pain that was caused to it and so much emotional pain that was caused to the parents.  I understand that the doctors didn't want to face legal actions but I'm pretty sure no matter what a judge and jury would have agreed that they would have done what was best for the baby.  Both pro and anti abortions activist agree that laws need to be changed around and more clearly defined.  I believe that abortions are wrong and that all fetus's/babies need to be given a chance and that if they are meant to live they will but that is not our choice to make.  Although don't get me wrong there are times when I believe that abortions are necessary, like in the story I was talking about.  The sad part is though that when government makes rules and laws they never take into account every scenario that can happen.  Its also sad that usually people try to find loopholes around laws but in this case they didn't and if they would have they probably would have saved that child from a lot of unnecessary pain.  I don't know maybe its just me but its not right that the only way of getting around that law is if the mothers life is threatened why do they never think about the child, oh wait that's because according to the government its not a child, not a human, its a fetus.   

As Days Go By

I find myself easily distracted by many things at the moment.  I have a feeling that it has to do with my grandma passing and me looking for any sign that she may be here with us.  I'm no longer content with TV shows, I'm no longer content with the Internet and it has started to bore me.  I have been introduced to a new PS3 game that is online play but I can only play it for short periods of time before it starts to bore me too.  I'm trying to change my life but I keep hitting road blocks.  I try to exercise but it causes my back and knees to ache so bad that I have to stop.  I try to eat better, eat more fruits and veggies, drink more water, and eat less junk and candy.  I also seem to find an excuse not to.  I caved after a week of drinking no soda and had one, I bought a bag of candy that is almost gone, I find no interest in fruits or veggies like I did a month or so ago.  I know that most of what I am doing is a way to hide from my feelings and not have to morn or hurt or anything but its not healthy for me.  There are days when I just want to stay in bed and cry but I can.  I have things that I have to do.  I know that there will come a day when I can no longer be strong and I will break and some days I wish that I would just happen.   There is a saying I guess you would call it that I have used in the past and one day again it will describe me.

"The girl that seemed unbreakable; broke.  The girl that seemed strong; crumbled.  The girl that always laughed; cried.  The girl that never stopped trying; finally gave up. . . She dropped the fake smile as a tear ran down her cheek and whispered to herself; 'I cant do this anymore."

Back Burner Of Life

So as I was reading through my older posts, namely the one for the beginning of the year stating all the things I wanted to accomplish this year, I have realized everything kinda either was put on the back burning of my life or just went out the window.  Im happy to say that I have still been eating better and exercising but as for starting to knit again and my 365 photo challange ya right.  I havent felt like knitting although I still want to and as for my challange I was going through my photos a realized I have a lot of days when I never took even one single photo.  I may be able to catch up but Im not sure I really want to.  I have so much on my plate right now.  We have made plans weeks in advance hoping that things fall into place.  We want Dante to stay with my aunt for a week so that we can totally clean this entire house which consists of 2 floors, 4 bdrms and 2 bthrms.  Mainly wanting all bdrms, closets bthrms and the kitchen cleaned.  Not to mention as many windows in and out cleaned.  Its a big undertaking cause I remember when my mom and grandmother used to do it and it would take days sometimes longer.  Im going to have to shampoo the floor too but that may happen this week if it stays nice and I can get everyone to stay out of the house for hours.  Oh well I guess its something that has to be done.

Emotional Girl

Im not sure if it has to do with my grandmother passing a month ago or what but it seems like I have been extremely emotional lately.  Whether it be something I read, watch, listen to or see, I just seem to break down at the drop of a hat.  Like this morning I was watching the Top 20 Countdown on CMT and Sara Evans new video came on, I wanted to cry so bad, it hit the mark with how I have been feeling when I comes to me and my ex-husband.  Its surprising that even after more then 3 yrs how he still get to me.  Or when I went onto Cafemom and was looking through the forum in the group that I admin for and was reading a post from a good friend about her grandmother and didnt even make it a quarter way threw before Tim had to take the computer away from cause I just totally lost it and broke down.  It was hard reading how similar her story and mine are.  Its brought back memories of last month that I have been running and hiding from.  I was watching Secret Millionair and Undercover Boss and they are just causing me to cry cry cry.  Im not sure what is going on with me but Im guessing that I am not over the grieving process of my grandmother. 

Oh The Days Of My Life

ya so here i sit at 10:10 pm on a thursday night.  im still using tims computer cause mine has me stumped.  i was able to buy an external hard drive today and he moved everything that i need and want off of mine and onto it and have it hooked up to tims.  its irritating but it works for now.  i have been given permission to put some of my editing programs onto tims computer but i just dont have a mouse to do the editing with.  i also looked at computers today while we were in town and i think that i will possibly buy a new one next month if i am unable to figure out what is wrong with mine.  other then that i went and got new piercings today, they are called snakebites.  its a double lip piercing.  it hurt to have it done but now its not bad other then when im trying to eat something and bite the post.