Its halfway through 2013, I've posted very little this year mainly due to the lack of a computer but I as you can tell now have a computer. So much has happened since I last posted. The last post I published from either blog was in my weight loss blog and that was back in February, for this blog it was December 31st. I cant help but think about how much has happened and its constantly in a jumble in my mind, I just cant understand how a year can be so bad.
So far this year I have lost two family members, two people that I care about deeply. I lost a cousin in January unexpectedly, I left so much unsaid to her and I regret not getting to know her better or making an effort to go she her, and then my grandfather in May. My grandfathers death hit me the hardest out of all the deaths I have dealt with over the years. This is probably because I have lived here with my own family taking care of him and this house for the last 4.5 years. My grandfathers wish was to die at home, that he did. Everyday I am haunted by the memories of watching him slowly slip away from us, I am haunted by the memories of this house, I am haunted by the memories of my childhood. I thought I was fully prepared for what I was going to see and what I saw but all the training that I went through, all the stories I read and were told never prepared me for seeing it myself and seeing someone i loved go through it. I have now realized I do not want to work in that section of health care. My grandmother pushed me to do it but my grandfather made me realize its not for me. I think the hardest part of watching him pass was seeing him and hearing him talk of the end, he knew it was happening although none of us wanted to admit it and none of us thought it would be so fast. See just a month before he was in the hospital and told he was dying of cancer, he was given 6 months but he didn't even make it a month. I remember him coming home and one night asking me what we had planned to do if he passed away, i didn't know, i hadn't thought about it. This house was, is and will always be my home. The last time he was in the hospital is when I drove him to my uncles so they could take him in, he told my aunt he wouldn't make it to Memorial Weekend, he was right. He left us May 17, Memorial Weekend when we as a family usually celebrate were instead placing him in the ground. I was left to fill the hole in my heart and deal with it alone that week leading up to the burial by my own choosing, I had sent Tim and the boys away the day before. Now I was left to shift through, organize, junk and pack all the memories away. What was I to do? Even after the funeral and having Tim and the boys home I still was so lost. I never had something effect me so much in my life, never will I probably ever again.
Its now July, we are still in my grandfathers home for now, we do have plans to move but like I said no matter what my mom or my uncles do with this place is was, is and will always be my home. Its my boy's home. We are left now picking up the pieces of shattered lives, memories, etc... we are struggling to connect as a whole family. we are struggling to tie up loose ends and sort out what was left behind. My grandfather left us a mess to clean up and its not working out the way we all want it too. Its hard to explain without going into details that can not be at the moment explained. I guess the main two issues for us are whats happening to the house? and well my car... see back on April 1st the last thing that my grandfather ever did for me and the boys was go in with Tim and sign for us to get a 2006 Pontiac Grand Prix, Its a much needed car as well with two kids and living hours from anything you kinda need something right? Well with his name being on the car and him now being passed away it seems to have screwed up things. We are being told one thing by the credit union that holds the loan and the D.M.V. and my uncle in being told another thing by a lawyer that I do not trust and in turn tell my mom this. Its causing so much stress right now that I am not talking to my mom and I'm preparing to loose the car. I know when my grandfather helped us he never expected this, he didn't know this would happen and probably never imagined it or anything like it happening. I had never thought he would help us anyway, but then in the last couple months of his life he was a different person, he wasn't grandpa anymore, he wasn't the tough as nails logger/military vet, he was grandpa just grandpa.
Oddly enough usually I can sit down and get a blog like this out in one night but this one has to this point take me a week or two to get here. I now get so easily overwhelmed by emotions that I cant see or think. I miss two people right now, I have so much I want to do with them and say to them. I miss my grandparents so bad. I know that what I'm going through everyone has to go through but this doesn't seem natural, it doesn't seem right. In the months to come I hope to be able to update on the house and everything, I hope to be able to say its still part of the family but that I cant be sure of and don't feel like it will be that way. I have watched so much leave this house only to feel in my gut that I will never see it again. Just this weekend I watched as my grandfathers 1973 International Scout II drive past the house for what my gut says was the last time I will ever see it. It was promised to me by my grandfather but it has to be sold and I do not have the money. I pray that a family friend will buy it but my heart says that will not be what happens so for now I am keeping a close eye on craigslist hoping to see it at least one last time in a photo. But this is life and we go on, as much as it hurts, as much as I want to just curl up in a ball and cry and never get out of bed I must go on and live my life the way I believe that my grandparents, that my grandfather would want me to.
THIS IS MY THERAPY