Wednesday, December 4, 2013

New Start (unfinished)

We have now been in our new home for over a month. It still doesnt feel anything like home though. There is of course something missing. I havent been able to bring myself to go back to Fossil and go to the house. Im scared to go back...scared of what may happen to me if I go near it. I have in my head an image of what it looks like now that its been practically abandoned by the family. I may be miles away from that place but I can feel the pull of it so strong. I know I need to go back one last time to completely close that chapter of my life but I just cant make myself do it. I think of home everyday, I think of what was left there. All the memories and years spent there. The thought of never being in that house again, never having the family gathered around the table during the holidays. I miss when I was younger and would come home from school and the house would smell of my grandmothers cooking and grandpa would be easy to find out in the shop. Memories are constantly haunting me, they follow me everywhere I go. I will do or say something that reminds me of home. I will freeze and watch images of the past float through my head. My old life had been invading my present life so much I find it hard to consentrate on much of anything anymore.

Thursday, September 26, 2013

Breaking My Safety Net and Falling Apart

Im scared, Im not afraid to admit that anymore. It has taken me along time to be able to openly admit that to anyone. There are so many unknowns that are ahead of us and now Im losing the only safety net I have ever known with no way to turn back. I sit and cry at random times almost everyday for the last month. It makes it hard to function on any given day and its hard to explain to Dante why Im sad, its also hard to explain why he cant just go see grandpa or grandpa cant come back even after almost five months. He has never been away from him for more then a couple weeks so I can only imagine the questions he has that he doesnt ask.

We have been in our 'new' home for a couple weeks now and I just cant bring myself to unpack anymore or dig out the photos and everything to make it our home because to me this is NOT our home. Our home is over an hour away not here...

We are suppose to be starting our new lives, tim has applied at a temp agency, we are both scheduled to start school Monday and we have found someone to watch the boys when we are in class...but i really just dont care. I should be excited about this, everyone says that and everyone is excited for us but im not. I zone out at my computer daily fighting back tears as I look at things that I have that should not be here, things that belong in my grandparents house. Im constantly awaken at night to their voices, I constantly see them in my dreams. Im always thinking of that house and all the memories in it.  I wonder about what will happen the day I see a sold sign on will I react, how will i feel, will i be alone and in Fossil when I see it or will someone tell me about it while I am over here?

Im trying my hardest to get to the house one last time, I know i will more then likely go alone and that scares me. Im scared of the silence when I walk into that house, of the ghosts that haunt it when no one is around. Im scared of the flood of memories that hit me when Im in there now. There is nothing left in that house but the memories and ghosts.

That house haunts me, when Im in it something doesnt feel right. It still doesnt feel right. Its hard to let go of something that wont let you let go. Its like that house has a tighter hold on me then I do.

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Blog Challenge ~ Day 5,6, and 7 lol

Favorite Comfort Food

Comfort food... I really don't know if I can narrow it down to just one or well if I really have one. I guess when I think about it that one thing that I turn to the most when I'm feeling sad or I'm upset or what ever is Tostitos chips and jalapeno cheddar cheese dip. I mean its really one of the biggest things Ive turned to ever since my second pregnancy and other then that I cant think of anything I really crave or want as a pick me up. But crappy now is that I want some and the store here closed a long time ago lol

Zodiac Sign

Sagittarius Sun Sign - Zodiac Signs\

Sagittarius, if you ready about it you will actually find a lot of different descriptions of it online but I will use the one at (click the photo to go to the page). It is said that Sags are constantly looking for knowledge and truth, I would say that is me. I'm constantly wanting to go back to school, I'm constantly researching different topics to learn about them, I'm constantly questioning what I am told or I was raised to believe. I enjoy talking to others to learn their points of views.  I'm also one that loves to travel if it means I will learn something new or expand what I already know.

I love to look at the whole picture, the entire scheme of things I guess you could say and take it all in. As much as I love for others to agree with the ideas and plans I can come up with I am also willing to listen to others. Although I also have the ability to speak my mind and not put a filter on what I say, usually what I'm thinking it what you will hear and I will also argue my points and view till I'm blue in the face. Its just who I am and if I feel strongly about something be ready to for what you may not like.

I could probably keep going and pick apart that article and add to it but I will stop. I will say that I am a Sagittarius through and through. If you want to know who I am just learn what a Sagittarius is all about.

Favorite Childhood Toy

Favorite childhood toy would honestly be a toss up between my Barbies and my two Cabbage Patch dolls. I had a ton of Barbies, I even had a convertible car, a jeep, one carry case that turned into a house, one carry case that looked like a fancy closet, a horse and a bunch of other crap lol I still have all the collectible ones that my grandmother bought me and I hope one day to either hand them down to a daughter or granddaughter. I also had two Cabbage Patch dolls. A little white girl and a little black boy. According to my mom we would get strange looks from people due to a little blond haired white girl packing around a black doll, oh well I loved him :) I still have them and their certificates and everything and I cant wait to hand them down either. I have actually been thinking of getting each of my boys one too but we will see.  

Sunday, August 4, 2013

Blog Challenge ~ Day 4

Views On Religion

(this is only MY view, not meant to offend anyone or place judgement on anyone)

Oh boy lol Ok well most people reading this are most likely off of my Facebook page and they should by now already know that I am a follower of Paganism. I am pretty sure I have already in my life heard everything that people say about Pagans out of ignorance since usually only those that follow it are educated about the true meaning of it, so for that reason I will link a few good articles on it at the bottom of the page.

My view is that most organized religion is corrupt. Most of those that follow an organized religion do not practice what they preach. I mean the Bible is so loaded with crap that so called follows don't even bother to follow and then become defensive when called out on it. Most (but not all) push their religion so hard on others that it turns people off to them and their religion and causes others to judge them and that religion and all those that follow it. One of the main things I guess that bugs me is that the Bible or the Lord commends that no person shall judge another person yet these God Fearing people are constantly judging others. I have also witnessed so many so called religious people that when they screw up the say it had something to do with their Lord. Now I believe that everything happens for a reason but when you keep making stupid choices that screw up your life or the life of someone else do NOT blame someone or something that didn't make that choice, you were given free will for a reason. I could literally go on and on about this but I really don't want to make people pissed at me.

See the reason I choose and have stuck with Paganism as my faith is because there are no set rules, no laws to really abide by. There are mainly common sense rules like "do what ye will but harm none" and the karma law that says if you intentionally do wrong or harm towards another it will practically come back and bite you three times as bad. I as keep saying Paganism or Pagan instead of Wiccan or Wicca or Druid or Druidism etc... because like certain organized religions there are branches that branch off from the center of the belief system. I do not personally identify with any one branch of Paganism there for I fall under the entire tree and refer to myself as only a Pagan.

Anyway I will cut off here before I say or well type something I may regret   :)  please feel free to read the links before and research my religion more.

Saturday, August 3, 2013

Blog Challenge ~ Day 3

Top 5 Pet Peeves

To be honest when I look at this topic my mind blanked lol I know I have plenty but I seriously had to Google and find a list of COMMON pet peeves in order to pick out the top 5 that bother me. Oh this is a great list of pet peeves.

(not in any particular order)

1 ~ Noisy eaters. Honestly I didn't think that this really was a bother to me till the last couple months. Dante my 4 year old and his father have been driving me insane. They are both noisy eaters, Dante because of course he still hasn't mastered chewing with his mouth closed and Tim I'm guessing is just a naturally noisy eater. I've found myself using a lot of self control to keep from yelling at them to be quite lol

2 ~ Someone standing over my shoulder reading the computer screen. Ok lets admit it, this is just annoying. I personally dont like and cant stand people stand behind me (yes standing in lines are hell for me!) so someone standing or sitting behind me and reading off of my computer screen or even my phone is super annoying. 

3 ~ Jerks who take up 2 parking spaces. I have been a legal licensed driver since 2005, I have not once taken up two parking spaces unless that was the ONLY option due to the assholes the seem to enjoy doing it just to irritate everyone else. I seriously do not see what is so hard about parking between two lines.

4 ~ Women who wear too much perfume. OMG this ones has to do with child hood memories lol my grandmother was a chronic over doer of perfumes and I always had the misfortune of sitting behind her in the car when we would go somewhere lol the smell would make me sick and to this day it still does. 

5 ~ Ignorant people. Yeah Im pretty sure this one is self explanatory and has stemmed from my work and research with many causes that I care deeply about. I mean what is so hard or so bad about learning something new or doing a little research on something? I just dont understand people sometimes. 

Ok now I am going to admit these probably are NOT my true top 5, although the last one does kinda have to do with them, those would relate back to my activist work related to natural birth, anti-routine infant circumcision, breastfeeding, baby wearing, attachment parenting, baby led solids/weaning, etc...

Friday, August 2, 2013

Blog Challenge ~ Day 2

Where Would You Like To Be In 10 Years

In ten years... lets see it will be 2023, I will be 36, Tim will be 45, Dante will be 14 and Trystan will be 11. We should be about to celebrate 16 years as a couple and roughly 6 years of marriage (we plan to be married around our 10 year anniversary in 2017). I would hope that we would have a couple more kids by then but that's still unsure. I would imagine we are living in either Redmond or Bend Oregon, probably still renting a place but I have no issues with that since it can be cheaper then buying. I want to have a full time photography studio that does everything including birth photography by then and also be working part time as an IBCLC (International Board Certified Lactation Consultant) at the local NICU and birthing centers. I would also hope that by then I have been able to straighten out the crap with DHS and the nursing board and be able to continue on to get my Masters in Nursing. Although only time will tell what happens and what I am able to accomplish especially with two small children to take care of when trying to work and attend school at the same time. I just have been trying to keep my mind focused on one goal at a time yet there are so many for me to choose from that it makes this difficult at times. 

Blog Challenge ~ Day 1

Discuss Your Current Relationship

I'm thinking day one topic could come out interesting or turn wrong. I'm not going to use this as a way to rant about Tim or complain about us or anything like that. Truth is no matter what we go through or what happens we still always have a super strong bond and extremely strong love for each other. I mean its kinda strange, after almost 6 years together we have admittedly had some very tough and trying times but it seems that no matter how bad it is we are always smiling, laughing and happy with each other not long after a fight. I can be pissed beyond everything at him and he can just look at me and I start smiling and laughing at him lol

I'm honestly not sure what to put in this post. How do I describe or discuss my relationship... honestly I cant.  

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

~ 30 Day Blog Challenge ~

Ya this should be interesting to see if I can keep with it. So far out of all of the challenges that I have seen this is the one that I liked the most. Of course this will be on top of the other random posts that I make. 

Monday, July 29, 2013


Its halfway through 2013, I've posted very little this year mainly due to the lack of a computer but I as you can tell now have a computer. So much has happened since I last posted. The last post I published from either blog was in my weight loss blog and that was back in February, for this blog it was December 31st.  I cant help but think about how much has happened and its constantly in a jumble in my mind, I just cant understand how a year can be so bad.

So far this year I have lost two family members, two people that I care about deeply. I lost a cousin in January unexpectedly, I left so much unsaid to her and I regret not getting to know her better or making an effort to go she her, and then my grandfather in May.  My grandfathers death hit me the hardest out of all the deaths I have dealt with over the years. This is probably because I have lived here with my own family taking care of him and this house for the last 4.5 years. My grandfathers wish was to die at home, that he did. Everyday I am haunted by the memories of watching him slowly slip away from us, I am haunted by the memories of this house, I am haunted by the memories of my childhood.  I thought I was fully prepared for what I was going to see and what I saw but all the training that I went through, all the stories I read and were told never prepared me for seeing it myself and seeing someone i loved go through it. I have now realized I do not want to work in that section of health care. My grandmother pushed me to do it but my grandfather made me realize its not for me. I think the hardest part of watching him pass was seeing him and hearing him talk of the end, he knew it was happening although none of us wanted to admit it and none of us thought it would be so fast. See just a month before he was in the hospital and told he was dying of cancer, he was given 6 months but he didn't even make it a month. I remember him coming home and one night asking me what we had planned to do if he passed away, i didn't know, i hadn't thought about it. This house was, is and will always be my home. The last time he was in the hospital is when I drove him to my uncles so they could take him in, he told my aunt he wouldn't make it to Memorial Weekend, he was right. He left us May 17, Memorial Weekend when we as a family usually celebrate were instead placing him in the ground. I was left to fill the hole in my heart and deal with it alone that week leading up to the burial by my own choosing, I had sent Tim and the boys away the day before. Now I was left to shift through, organize, junk and pack all the memories away. What was I to do? Even after the funeral and having Tim and the boys home I still was so lost. I never had something effect me so much in my life, never will I probably ever again.

Its now July, we are still in my grandfathers home for now, we do have plans to move but like I said no matter what my mom or my uncles do with this place is was, is and will always be my home. Its my boy's home. We are left now picking up the pieces of shattered lives, memories, etc... we are struggling to connect as a whole family. we are struggling to tie up loose ends and sort out what was left behind.  My grandfather left us a mess to clean up and its not working out the way we all want it too. Its hard to explain without going into details that can not be at the moment explained. I guess the main two issues for us are whats happening to the house? and well my car... see back on April 1st the last thing that my grandfather ever did for me and the boys was go in with Tim and sign for us to get a 2006 Pontiac Grand Prix, Its a much needed car as well with two kids and living hours from anything you kinda need something right?  Well with his name being on the car and him now being passed away it seems to have screwed up things. We are being told one thing by the credit union that holds the loan and the D.M.V. and my uncle in being told another thing by a lawyer that I do not trust and in turn tell my mom this. Its causing so much stress right now that I am not talking to my mom and I'm preparing to loose the car. I know when my grandfather helped us he never expected this, he didn't know this would happen and probably never imagined it or anything like it happening. I had never thought he would help us anyway, but then in the last couple months of his life he was a different person, he wasn't grandpa anymore, he wasn't the tough as nails logger/military vet, he was grandpa just grandpa. 

Oddly enough usually I can sit down and get a blog like this out in one night but this one has to this point take me a week or two to get here. I now get so easily overwhelmed by emotions that I cant see or think. I miss two people right now, I have so much I want to do with them and say to them. I miss my grandparents so bad. I know that what I'm going through everyone has to go through but this doesn't seem natural, it doesn't seem right. In the months to come I hope to be able to update on the house and everything, I hope to be able to say its still part of the family but that I cant be sure of and don't feel like it will be that way. I have watched so much leave this house only to feel in my gut that I will never see it again. Just this weekend I watched as my grandfathers 1973 International Scout II drive past the house for what my gut says was the last time I will ever see it. It was promised to me by my grandfather but it has to be sold and I do not have the money. I pray that a family friend will buy it but my heart says that will not be what happens so for now I am keeping a close eye on craigslist hoping to see it at least one last time in a photo. But this is life and we go on, as much as it hurts, as much as I want to just curl up in a ball and cry and never get out of bed I must go on and live my life the way I believe that my grandparents, that my grandfather would want me to.