Monday, October 13, 2014

Long Time

Its been close to a year since I last opened my blog and added to it. My life seems to be an insane mess but I probably would not have it any other way. I love my life, as screwed up as it is. Tim and I are no longer attending school at COCC but instead are enrolled at Ashford University as full time online students and neither of us have had much luck at employment except for Tim's random odd jobs here and there. We struggle monthly to pay bills and so we planned a big change for our life. Tim was going to leave the state, he was going to go to Montana and we had is all planned and set up for over a month. We had a close friend move in to help me out and help cover bills till Tim had a steady income coming in but it all fell apart when a contact in Montana did not come through and in less then two days Tim was back. We still have plans to have the friend stay here with us and help us out, I love having him around and my boys love him. Tim is now back out daily looking for a job and is just as frustrated as always but he is dead set on supporting us as he believes that he should.

Tim and I have also decided to start making changes in our life and how we live it. We are making person changes to ourselves and other changes. We have had a dramatic last few months with some friends and have now cut all communication with them and I for one seem happier now that they are not sucking my happiness away from me and feeding on it, I guess they are what some call vampires. I also have a lot of personal things that I need to work on, besides the physical things I need to take care of I also have so many mental and emotional things to work on. I can and do have seriously bad jealousy issues that I am now determined to work on and also major insecurity issues that I want to work on. I am also still struggling with depression and I know that writing and such is good for it so I want to try to write at least once a week whether it be here in this blog or in a private notebook. There are also a few other life changes that Tim and I have been working on for months that we just are not ready to speak about at the moment but once we figure out when the right time is we will say.

We have been talking about so many things that we want to do in the future. We WANT to move to Montana as a family, have a fresh start away from all the drama. Montana is an amazing state and is perfect for me to unschool our boys without having to worry about laws and people trying to tell me how to raise and educate my kids. Its also beautiful with so much I want to show my kids and teach them about. Moving there would also allow me to pursue my dream of being a internationally board certified lactation consultant, something I have been dedicated to since I had Dante almost 6 years ago. We also, well more me, want to one day expand our family. We technically are not suppose to talk about more kids for at least two more years as agreed one after Trystan was born but it always comes up. I am not allowed to talk about getting pregnant till I am physically healthy and have talked to a high risk OB GYN about it. It kills me inside and scares me more then anything to think that I may never get to carry another child within my body, that I will never get to experience the excitement of getting a positive pregnancy test again, seeing the first ultrasound, hearing the heartbeat for the first time or feeling the first little kicks again. I am so scared that I will never get to experience a full health pregnancy and that I will never have the home water birth that I have dreamed my entire adult life of having. I have so many feelings about it.

I just think I needed this post to get things out there and just talk. I really do not have anyone that I can truly openly talk to about a lot of things that I want to and need to talk about. I am so different from my family and friends that none of them would really understand me and some would probably turn away from me if they knew the really truth. I hide so much that only Tim and a select few friends know about because I feel that they are the only ones I can truly trust and talk to. Oh well I guess that is probably how everyone is anyway...

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

New Start (unfinished)

We have now been in our new home for over a month. It still doesnt feel anything like home though. There is of course something missing. I havent been able to bring myself to go back to Fossil and go to the house. Im scared to go back...scared of what may happen to me if I go near it. I have in my head an image of what it looks like now that its been practically abandoned by the family. I may be miles away from that place but I can feel the pull of it so strong. I know I need to go back one last time to completely close that chapter of my life but I just cant make myself do it. I think of home everyday, I think of what was left there. All the memories and years spent there. The thought of never being in that house again, never having the family gathered around the table during the holidays. I miss when I was younger and would come home from school and the house would smell of my grandmothers cooking and grandpa would be easy to find out in the shop. Memories are constantly haunting me, they follow me everywhere I go. I will do or say something that reminds me of home. I will freeze and watch images of the past float through my head. My old life had been invading my present life so much I find it hard to consentrate on much of anything anymore.

Thursday, September 26, 2013

Breaking My Safety Net and Falling Apart

Im scared, Im not afraid to admit that anymore. It has taken me along time to be able to openly admit that to anyone. There are so many unknowns that are ahead of us and now Im losing the only safety net I have ever known with no way to turn back. I sit and cry at random times almost everyday for the last month. It makes it hard to function on any given day and its hard to explain to Dante why Im sad, its also hard to explain why he cant just go see grandpa or grandpa cant come back even after almost five months. He has never been away from him for more then a couple weeks so I can only imagine the questions he has that he doesnt ask.

We have been in our 'new' home for a couple weeks now and I just cant bring myself to unpack anymore or dig out the photos and everything to make it our home because to me this is NOT our home. Our home is over an hour away not here...

We are suppose to be starting our new lives, tim has applied at a temp agency, we are both scheduled to start school Monday and we have found someone to watch the boys when we are in class...but i really just dont care. I should be excited about this, everyone says that and everyone is excited for us but im not. I zone out at my computer daily fighting back tears as I look at things that I have that should not be here, things that belong in my grandparents house. Im constantly awaken at night to their voices, I constantly see them in my dreams. Im always thinking of that house and all the memories in it.  I wonder about what will happen the day I see a sold sign on will I react, how will i feel, will i be alone and in Fossil when I see it or will someone tell me about it while I am over here?

Im trying my hardest to get to the house one last time, I know i will more then likely go alone and that scares me. Im scared of the silence when I walk into that house, of the ghosts that haunt it when no one is around. Im scared of the flood of memories that hit me when Im in there now. There is nothing left in that house but the memories and ghosts.

That house haunts me, when Im in it something doesnt feel right. It still doesnt feel right. Its hard to let go of something that wont let you let go. Its like that house has a tighter hold on me then I do.

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Blog Challenge ~ Day 5,6, and 7 lol

Favorite Comfort Food

Comfort food... I really don't know if I can narrow it down to just one or well if I really have one. I guess when I think about it that one thing that I turn to the most when I'm feeling sad or I'm upset or what ever is Tostitos chips and jalapeno cheddar cheese dip. I mean its really one of the biggest things Ive turned to ever since my second pregnancy and other then that I cant think of anything I really crave or want as a pick me up. But crappy now is that I want some and the store here closed a long time ago lol

Zodiac Sign

Sagittarius Sun Sign - Zodiac Signs\

Sagittarius, if you ready about it you will actually find a lot of different descriptions of it online but I will use the one at (click the photo to go to the page). It is said that Sags are constantly looking for knowledge and truth, I would say that is me. I'm constantly wanting to go back to school, I'm constantly researching different topics to learn about them, I'm constantly questioning what I am told or I was raised to believe. I enjoy talking to others to learn their points of views.  I'm also one that loves to travel if it means I will learn something new or expand what I already know.

I love to look at the whole picture, the entire scheme of things I guess you could say and take it all in. As much as I love for others to agree with the ideas and plans I can come up with I am also willing to listen to others. Although I also have the ability to speak my mind and not put a filter on what I say, usually what I'm thinking it what you will hear and I will also argue my points and view till I'm blue in the face. Its just who I am and if I feel strongly about something be ready to for what you may not like.

I could probably keep going and pick apart that article and add to it but I will stop. I will say that I am a Sagittarius through and through. If you want to know who I am just learn what a Sagittarius is all about.

Favorite Childhood Toy

Favorite childhood toy would honestly be a toss up between my Barbies and my two Cabbage Patch dolls. I had a ton of Barbies, I even had a convertible car, a jeep, one carry case that turned into a house, one carry case that looked like a fancy closet, a horse and a bunch of other crap lol I still have all the collectible ones that my grandmother bought me and I hope one day to either hand them down to a daughter or granddaughter. I also had two Cabbage Patch dolls. A little white girl and a little black boy. According to my mom we would get strange looks from people due to a little blond haired white girl packing around a black doll, oh well I loved him :) I still have them and their certificates and everything and I cant wait to hand them down either. I have actually been thinking of getting each of my boys one too but we will see.  

Sunday, August 4, 2013

Blog Challenge ~ Day 4

Views On Religion

(this is only MY view, not meant to offend anyone or place judgement on anyone)

Oh boy lol Ok well most people reading this are most likely off of my Facebook page and they should by now already know that I am a follower of Paganism. I am pretty sure I have already in my life heard everything that people say about Pagans out of ignorance since usually only those that follow it are educated about the true meaning of it, so for that reason I will link a few good articles on it at the bottom of the page.

My view is that most organized religion is corrupt. Most of those that follow an organized religion do not practice what they preach. I mean the Bible is so loaded with crap that so called follows don't even bother to follow and then become defensive when called out on it. Most (but not all) push their religion so hard on others that it turns people off to them and their religion and causes others to judge them and that religion and all those that follow it. One of the main things I guess that bugs me is that the Bible or the Lord commends that no person shall judge another person yet these God Fearing people are constantly judging others. I have also witnessed so many so called religious people that when they screw up the say it had something to do with their Lord. Now I believe that everything happens for a reason but when you keep making stupid choices that screw up your life or the life of someone else do NOT blame someone or something that didn't make that choice, you were given free will for a reason. I could literally go on and on about this but I really don't want to make people pissed at me.

See the reason I choose and have stuck with Paganism as my faith is because there are no set rules, no laws to really abide by. There are mainly common sense rules like "do what ye will but harm none" and the karma law that says if you intentionally do wrong or harm towards another it will practically come back and bite you three times as bad. I as keep saying Paganism or Pagan instead of Wiccan or Wicca or Druid or Druidism etc... because like certain organized religions there are branches that branch off from the center of the belief system. I do not personally identify with any one branch of Paganism there for I fall under the entire tree and refer to myself as only a Pagan.

Anyway I will cut off here before I say or well type something I may regret   :)  please feel free to read the links before and research my religion more.