Thursday, September 26, 2013

Breaking My Safety Net and Falling Apart

Im scared, Im not afraid to admit that anymore. It has taken me along time to be able to openly admit that to anyone. There are so many unknowns that are ahead of us and now Im losing the only safety net I have ever known with no way to turn back. I sit and cry at random times almost everyday for the last month. It makes it hard to function on any given day and its hard to explain to Dante why Im sad, its also hard to explain why he cant just go see grandpa or grandpa cant come back even after almost five months. He has never been away from him for more then a couple weeks so I can only imagine the questions he has that he doesnt ask.

We have been in our 'new' home for a couple weeks now and I just cant bring myself to unpack anymore or dig out the photos and everything to make it our home because to me this is NOT our home. Our home is over an hour away not here...

We are suppose to be starting our new lives, tim has applied at a temp agency, we are both scheduled to start school Monday and we have found someone to watch the boys when we are in class...but i really just dont care. I should be excited about this, everyone says that and everyone is excited for us but im not. I zone out at my computer daily fighting back tears as I look at things that I have that should not be here, things that belong in my grandparents house. Im constantly awaken at night to their voices, I constantly see them in my dreams. Im always thinking of that house and all the memories in it.  I wonder about what will happen the day I see a sold sign on will I react, how will i feel, will i be alone and in Fossil when I see it or will someone tell me about it while I am over here?

Im trying my hardest to get to the house one last time, I know i will more then likely go alone and that scares me. Im scared of the silence when I walk into that house, of the ghosts that haunt it when no one is around. Im scared of the flood of memories that hit me when Im in there now. There is nothing left in that house but the memories and ghosts.

That house haunts me, when Im in it something doesnt feel right. It still doesnt feel right. Its hard to let go of something that wont let you let go. Its like that house has a tighter hold on me then I do.