Monday, October 13, 2014

Long Time

Its been close to a year since I last opened my blog and added to it. My life seems to be an insane mess but I probably would not have it any other way. I love my life, as screwed up as it is. Tim and I are no longer attending school at COCC but instead are enrolled at Ashford University as full time online students and neither of us have had much luck at employment except for Tim's random odd jobs here and there. We struggle monthly to pay bills and so we planned a big change for our life. Tim was going to leave the state, he was going to go to Montana and we had is all planned and set up for over a month. We had a close friend move in to help me out and help cover bills till Tim had a steady income coming in but it all fell apart when a contact in Montana did not come through and in less then two days Tim was back. We still have plans to have the friend stay here with us and help us out, I love having him around and my boys love him. Tim is now back out daily looking for a job and is just as frustrated as always but he is dead set on supporting us as he believes that he should.

Tim and I have also decided to start making changes in our life and how we live it. We are making person changes to ourselves and other changes. We have had a dramatic last few months with some friends and have now cut all communication with them and I for one seem happier now that they are not sucking my happiness away from me and feeding on it, I guess they are what some call vampires. I also have a lot of personal things that I need to work on, besides the physical things I need to take care of I also have so many mental and emotional things to work on. I can and do have seriously bad jealousy issues that I am now determined to work on and also major insecurity issues that I want to work on. I am also still struggling with depression and I know that writing and such is good for it so I want to try to write at least once a week whether it be here in this blog or in a private notebook. There are also a few other life changes that Tim and I have been working on for months that we just are not ready to speak about at the moment but once we figure out when the right time is we will say.

We have been talking about so many things that we want to do in the future. We WANT to move to Montana as a family, have a fresh start away from all the drama. Montana is an amazing state and is perfect for me to unschool our boys without having to worry about laws and people trying to tell me how to raise and educate my kids. Its also beautiful with so much I want to show my kids and teach them about. Moving there would also allow me to pursue my dream of being a internationally board certified lactation consultant, something I have been dedicated to since I had Dante almost 6 years ago. We also, well more me, want to one day expand our family. We technically are not suppose to talk about more kids for at least two more years as agreed one after Trystan was born but it always comes up. I am not allowed to talk about getting pregnant till I am physically healthy and have talked to a high risk OB GYN about it. It kills me inside and scares me more then anything to think that I may never get to carry another child within my body, that I will never get to experience the excitement of getting a positive pregnancy test again, seeing the first ultrasound, hearing the heartbeat for the first time or feeling the first little kicks again. I am so scared that I will never get to experience a full health pregnancy and that I will never have the home water birth that I have dreamed my entire adult life of having. I have so many feelings about it.

I just think I needed this post to get things out there and just talk. I really do not have anyone that I can truly openly talk to about a lot of things that I want to and need to talk about. I am so different from my family and friends that none of them would really understand me and some would probably turn away from me if they knew the really truth. I hide so much that only Tim and a select few friends know about because I feel that they are the only ones I can truly trust and talk to. Oh well I guess that is probably how everyone is anyway...