Saturday, January 29, 2011

It was the straw that broke the camals back!

I told my mom about how I truly felt about her boyfriend.  Ugg it was the last straw yesterday.  I went through complete hell with my ex-husband and I know the signs of mental abuse and control when I see it now.  She doesnt do anything without him anymore.  She will not come home for even a few hours without him. She is afraid that if she goes somewhere for even a few minutes that he is going to cheat or if he leaves for a few that he will cheat.  She cant make choices for herself anymore and is always questioning everything that she does, what will he say or think.  She wont do things without his permission.  She is constantly calling me about how he is treating her and being mean to her but says that she will not leave him. 

I sent her a text earlier today saying that I would need her truck on the 1st and the 9th cause Tim and Dante had doctor appointments (she lets me use her truck till I can afford to fix my car).  Well she sent a text back saying "leave me alone", um she is the one that wanted to know what days.  Well I called her and she ignored my call, I mean hitting the ignore button and sending it straight to vm.  ugg great so I tried again and nothing then the next thing I know she is calling the house phone.  I answer and ask what, she wants to talk to my grandfather and let him know that I wont be able to use her truck and to see if I can use his car.  WTF!  She knows that he wont let me cause of how many miles are on the car.  Well I can hear her bf in the back ground tell her what to tell me.  OMG you have got to be kidding me.  Well I blew up and cussed her out and I dont remember half of what I said to her.  She started ignoring my calls again so I called his house phone and left nasty ass vms telling him just what I felt towards him.  They were something along the line of I hated his guts for turning my mom into someone that I no longer knew, that he was controlling her and that that was a form of mental abuse. 
Well I just sent her another message saying dont bother coming home that I will find a car to borrow or see if my gandfather will let me use the car and I will also be doing all of the grocery shopping so she can stay the fuck away from the house and us.  Well she just called the house and my grandfather answer and talked to her, I have no idea what she told him and he hasnt said anything to me yet.  This has so been a crappy day, week, month and year for me!

28th and 29th, January 2011

I really do seem to have a bad habit of forgetting to post daily lol.  Oh well it gives me more to post when I do.  Anyway yesterday I just kept putting off taking a photo cause I had no motivation or muse for the day.  Well as it crept closer to midnight I stared at my Mt. Dew bottle and instantly found what i wanted.  We have a bag of pop cans that are hanging in the kitchen and I just walked over pointed my camera down and zoomed in. 

Well as for todays I was inspired by mom sons jeans lol.  He wears wranglers and I have always thought that wranglers look cute on little kids. 

Thursday, January 27, 2011

January 26 & 27

Yesterday was a nice day for being January in Oregon.  We still had to have at least a light jacket on but it was nice enough to play outside.  While Dante ran around the yard I decided to take my camera and snap photos of things that I like.  I believe that they turned out great and even though I only need one photo for my 365 I just cant decide.

Today was an even better day for an Oregon winter.  We were able to be outside to day without even a coat on! I was having a blast and Dante was having so much fun.

Operation Toddler Bed

So yesterday I transformed Dante's crib into a toddler bed.  Well first of all that was an adventure all in its own.  He actually did very well with his first night in a big boy bed, he sleep in it all night.  About 30 mintues after we put him to bed though he did fall out of it and caused himself to have a blood blister on his upper lip.  He also managed to try to fall out a second time but when I got up to check on him at 2am I was able to catch him and keep him from hitting the ground.  He has a bad habit of flipping around and sleeping at the foot of the bed instead of the head of the bed.  So today right before his nap I went and flipped around the bed.  Hoping that it will be fine from now on.  This is just step one in starting to potty training him. 

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

The 24th & 25th of January 2011

So I keep finding more and more things online that Tims parents are selling and some of them are way over priced and some I so want!  The swingset they are selling would be great in our backyard, the stands that they are selling they know we could use cause we have hardly any furniture of our own.  I know that they would never give that stuff to use and I also know that they would never let us buy it from them cause of everything that has happened.  They are also selling his moms high powered telescope that they know I want.  Its about 10 yrs old and cost about 5grand brand new and yet they are selling it for 5grand.  Ok no one is gonna be stupid enough to buy a ten year old telescope for that much.  I was looking around and the most you would be able to get from it would be 500 and that is through a pawn shop.  His dad is also selling a truck bed tool box that my mom would love to have and also an engine life and a tranny lift, I would love to have those to give to my grandfather but like I said they would never sell them to us. 

So on to my project.  Yesterday was a migraine day from hell.  Dante is throwing tantrums practically all day and we are running out of ways to prevent them. 

Todays photo was more of the last minute spur of the moment kinda thing.  I had taken my camera upstairs earlier today and left it up there so when Dante went to take his bath I grab it and just started snapping photos and got this.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Days 22 and 23 of January 2011

Well yesterday was a success in not loggin onto facebook for 24 hours straight and I still didnt log on till almost noon today.  At least now I know I can go without facebook and it was for a good cause.  I have been very happy for the last few days and I for once may owe that to Tims parents.  We got an email from then the other day stating that they are MOVING!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG I am so happy I just hope that they are moving far, far away!  Well yesterday I was snooping around on craigslist and went into the free section and noticed a post for a free crib with mattrass and a car seat, well we dont need those but I was drawn to open the post and low and behold it was Tim's parents getting rid of the crib and car seat they bought for when Dante was to be out there!  Yes that so means that they arent taking them with them so they have so finally gotten the point that they will not be allowed back into Dantes life after everything that they have done to us.  I also went back on craigslist today into the furniture section since we have been looking for some, I saw a post for end tables and a telephone table which we could so use but it was Tims parents again! I want them but so not that bad!  Anyway I am so happy that they are moving but I can tell that Tim is bummed cause of it.  They told him to call if he wanted their new address or anything but he just wont, he wants to show them he is his own person and doesnt need them or want then in his life.  They are his parents so its his choice but its hurting him.  I told him I dont care if he talks to them but he is not to talk about me or Dante or anything that has gone on here or that has to do with us. 

Well anyway on to my project!  First I have narrowed it down to two different blanket patterns for my knitting now its just to get the yarn that I need and to start.  Here are the photos for the 22nd and the 23rd:

January 22 ~ Chica ready for her close up

January 23 ~ Sunday News before edit

Sunday News after the edit

Friday, January 21, 2011

January 21, 2011

Im slowly learning not to rely on my cameras built in flash.  Its hard cause photos blur so much easier without it.  So my practice today without it I used the cat and man she was so not happy to have the camera in her face.  I was rather amused by her but she wasnt lol. . .

On another note ~ I will not be on facebook at all tomorrow the 22nd of January.  I am taking part in an event to make facebook more aware that them removing personal breastfeeding photos and removing breastfeeding support groups with breastfeeding photos up is not right.  I may have not been able to breastfeed my son but that doesnt mean that I dont want to support others and that I will not breastfeed my future children.  Women have the legal right to breastfeed in public anywhere at anytime covered or not and they should have the right to share their photos of them breastfeeding if they feel they want to. 

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Day Twenty Of Three Hundred And Sixty Five

My child is currently being very strange lol.  He seems to be obsessed with climbing behind the couch and flipping on to it.  He also seems to like scooting on his butt off of the couch and landing on his butt on the floor.  He is such an interesting child he will also instead of walking down the stairs sit on his butt and scoot down the stairs.  Just a few minutes ago he was laying on his stomack hanging off the couch.  Ah to be a two year old and feel no fear.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

01-19-2011 ~ Boredom + Camera + Tripod + 16 Photos Later = This!

Yep took 16 photos to get one shot that I just love.  I dont have a remote for my camera so I had to set the timer after every shot was taken.  I think it turned out fine the only edit I have so far done is crop it. 

As of me staying away from Facebook that will not be happening I guess or at least not fully happening.  I try to not log on but it seems alot of the things that I do on a daily basis somehow comes back to Facebook.  Im going to at least limit it to were Im only on to respond to people, upload photos and post my blogs.  Hopefully thats it.

Its Not As Easy As I Thought It Would Be!!!!

Ok so due to my emotional and mental upheaval I have decided to give up Facebook for at least a week maybe longer but its not working!  Every time that I am online to do anything I'm tempted to open up my page . . . and a lot of the time I have ended up open it.  I immediately feel guilty and close it and find something else to do.  I know that what I am trying to do is to help me and allow me to emotionally and mentally heal but its hard to be cut off from everyone after you are so used to being able to see what they are up to everyday and be able to talk to them. 

It was proven to both Tim and I last night that I need this break from everything due to the fact that I had a complete emotional breakdown last night as we were getting ready to go to bed that seemed to last for probably thirty minutes at least.  It just started out with Tim and I talking about things that were on his mind things that have happened in the recent past and just kinda snowballed.  I went off on how I don't understand how someone could refuse to believe the truth when it is thrown in their face with unforgeable proof and how some one can looking into the eyes of the person that they love and have a family with and are going to spend the rest of their lives with and just fucking flat out lie to that person.  Then went on about how its not fair that there are people that I know that are pregnant when they don't need anymore kids, or don't deserve to have a child or didn't want anymore kids.  About how people that I know seem to not have to worry about getting pregnant that it just seems to happen once they decide they want more.  I was a total complete mess last night and just couldn't seem to stop from crying.  I'm jealous of women that are pregnant, I'm jealous of women that get to experience those last couple of months that I have stolen from me!  I hate hearing or seeing women complain about being pregnant and that they wish it would just be over with cause they are so miserable!  They have no idea how fucking lucky they are!  I'm jealous of the women that have no problem getting pregnant when there are women out there that have tried for months even years to get pregnant and get no sympathy from anyone they are just told that how its supposed to be.  Like hell!

I used to not be like this but having my son 8 wks early and by the way of an emergency c-section has changed me.  I want to say that it has changed me for the better but I'm really starting to seriously think that's not true.  I know that it has caused me to have major mental issues which I have been diagnosed with such as depression, PTSD, anxiety and panic attacks, etc . . . I never pictured life as a mother to be like this.  I thought that it would be easy, you have the baby and watch him or her grow and you nurture the child and shape them into an amazing adult.  I thought that women that said they had problems were just making up excuses to not do their job as a mother but now from personal experiences I know that they are not excuses but real medical conditions that do interfere with daily activities and can prevent you from being the parent that you are supposed to be. 

I guess there is just a lot on my mind and a lot that I have been thinking about lately.  I know that Tim sees the differences in me and I know that the person that I am now is not the person that he fell in love with.  I want to get back to that person but I dont know if that is the person that he wants any more and I dont even know of that person is able to be found any more . . .

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

01-18-2011 ~ easy peasy lemon squeezy lol

Sorry about the title Im bored lol.  The title has nothing technically to do with the post but hey its the first thing that came to my mind.  Anyway...
So todays entertainment of choice was when a truck at out neighbors caught fire.  Dont worry no one was hurt but its shocking when you hear the scanner go off and it gives your neighbors address and states that there is a vehicle fire.  Wow it was interesting and took the fire department longer to get down here then I though it would.  Luckily the truck didnt blow but man if it would have I could just imagine what all would have been destroyed and littered with charred metal. 

Monday, January 17, 2011

01-17-2011 ~ New To The Collection

Well I have a new pair of boots in my collection and I have actually had them since September.  I just fell in love with them when I saw them and havent been able to bring myself to wear them yet.  When I took the photo I decided to edit and play around with it alitle or well maybe alot lol. 

Sunday, January 16, 2011

01-16-2011 ~ Day Sixteen

It was such a dreary day when I woke up this morning that I though there is no way I will find something to use as my photo.  Well lucky for my Im very drawn to the outdoors and nature.  I find the falling rain to be relaxing and I love to see what shape the puddles are going to take.  Water is the life source for all living things.  Its the one thing that is constantly renewing itself and its always teaching use new things, whether it be teaching us about energy or teaching us about sustaining what has been given to us. 

Saturday, January 15, 2011

01-15-2011 ~ Inspired by a new project

Ya like making four resolutions this year was bad enough.  Lets see there is my wieght loss, my getting back into knitting, blogging everyday and of course my 365 project.  Well now I have started a new one that I never planned on starting.  I have decided to write in detail and length about my latest and most significant hard life lesson that I went through last year.  I know that I have been through a lot but what I am going to write about could have really turned my life upside down but I was lucky to have an amazing guy right by my side that wouldnt give up on me.  I found my writing as my muse today for my photo

Friday, January 14, 2011

01-14-2011 ~ found my muse

I knelt down to put wood in our stove and as I was standing up I happened to glance throught the archway that leads to the dinning room here in my grandparents house and found my muse stairing at me.  I have always loved the antique mirror with matching candle holders that hang in the dinning room.  They have been in this house for as long as I can remember and I have always admired the look of them.

01-14-2011 ~ no muse yet

I am so disappointed to say that at 8pm I still have yet to snap even one photo today!  I just have yet to find anything today that has inspired me.  I am hoping that before midnight I will find something but who knows.  Im also trying to focus and edit a bunch of my old photos but nothing seems to look right and I have also been trying to get back into my Pagan study but just keep getting distracted with Facebook and Cafemom.  Oh well I have till midnight.

Thursday, January 13, 2011


I could choose just one photo for todays post.  We actually had to go get my mom who now lives like 2 hours away today so I took my time for once and would every once in awhile stop and take a photos of things that I love to see.  I have already edited some of these but I have so many photos still yet to edit that I will have to post edits at a later date.

Top of Baseline Rd near Arlington.  Im standing off the side of the current road looking down the old road.

Sitting in the truck looking over at the old water tank that used to store the city water for the town of Ione

Has to so far be my fav old farm house in Eastern Oregon.  It now sits out in the middle of fields.  I would so love one day to talk to the own and look inside of it.

Another one of my fav Eastern Oregon farm houses. This one sits just slightly outside of Ione. 

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Day Twelve ~ 01-12-2011

Well still going strong with the project and slowly starting to figure out what Im going to do for my resolution to start knitting again.  Im thinking of knitted a blanket for Dante and also one for the babies that I have loss due to two miscarriages.  Yes people thats right I have lost two pregnancies.  I know I dont talk about them but it cause the first I want to forget and the second wasnt all that long ago and Im still grieving the loss.  Neither of them were planned pregnancies either.  But anyway todays pic was me goofing around with my incent burners that I just bought and actually I took multiple photos and have four that I like.  I bought two new stone incent holders/burners Monday and I just love them, although I do love the lighter colored one better.  I love the first photo the best it has a black towel drapped over the bathroom mirror and down into the shelf where I sit my burners, I think it look amazing.

Yipee!!!!!!!!!!! So doing a happy dance right now!

Well the studio where we had our family photos taken at on Monday uploaded the pics to their site a day early!!!!!!!!!! Its only the originals and not the enhanced ones but at least I can share them and let ppl see them till the beginning of February when I can get the CD with all photos including enhanced photos.  Im so happy that they turned out good and that Dante behaved.  He had three shots earlier that day and was cranky when we left COPA but took a ten minute nap between Bend and Redmond and was so good during the entire session till we told him as we were leaving that he couldnt take the football with him.  When he started to get cranky Tim said it was probably cause of the shots which I had totally forgot about.  But you will see the football in every photo that Dante is in. 

Powell Family Photos 2011

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

1-11-2011 ~ my main muse isnt in a good mood

Well my son was not at all happy of my watching his every move today with most of the time having my camera pointed at him.  So here is my Dante messy hair and all:

Monday, January 10, 2011

01-10-2011 ~ Day Ten of Three Hundred Sixty Five

Wow it has been a long day once again.  We had Dante's 2 yr Well Child checkup today and he is doing great and catching up to where he should be in both weight and height.  He also ended up having to get three shots and just about completely filled in his shot record card and we will be needing to get a new one before his next checkup and age 3.  His doctor is so proud of him with how well he is doing for being as early as he was.  She even said that she is gonna miss seeing him a couple times a year and said she may not even recognize him next year lol. 

Any way we also ended up having Tim see one of his doctors so he could get his one RX refilled and make an appt for him next month and he also went ahead and had his blood drawn to make sure everything is fine.  So just waiting for those results to come in now. 

We also had schedualed to have some professional family and Dante pics done today and they turned out great.  Sadly I cant share any for at least 72 hrs cause the site doesnt have the processed yet and I couldnt afford to get the CD today it has to wait till the beginning of the month. 

So anyway today is the tenth day for my 365 photo project and I decided to make todays pic that of what I was able to see from the drivers side of the truck on the way home tonight.  I did stop and roll down the window to take the pic, there was no driving and photo taking at the same time.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Project Days 8 & 9

Yes another case of me not posting everyday.  Right after I took my pic for yesterday we ended up going out of town with my mother and didnt get home till almost 2 am. 
So yesterdays photo is that of the butte that you can see from the back yard of my grandparents house and well you can see if from almost all points in the county.  Its were the cell tower is located and also has a "W" painted on it and actaully after closer inspection after taking the pic realized it has been added to, it now looks like a smiley.

Well as for todays photo I took advantage of the newly falling snow attracking the little birds. 

Friday, January 7, 2011

01/06/2011 & 01/07/2011 - Days 6 & 7

I didnt forget to take a photo yesterday just forgot to  upload. 

01-06-2011: Well this photo was taken cause I was watching my son eat his animal crackers and noticed how careful he was to pick them up and then eat them.  I thought it was cute to see his small hand grabing one of his crackers. 

01-07-2011: Ok well todays photo or um photos were just kinda a fluke.  I happened to walk into the kitchen and look out the window and see a small little fawn from this year laying there all by himself.  That told me that something was wrong with him.  Well I snapped a couple pics of him then decided to grab some veggies and take them out to him.  When he stood up he didnt run but I was able to realize just how sick he was and that he has either a growth or tumor on his jaw that could very well be making him sick.  I have a bad feeling from watching him that he will not make it through the rest of the winter. 

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

01/05/2011 - Day 5!!!!!!!!!

Well its 11:30 at night day 5 and I have been fighting with the site for the last hour trying to get it to load the page so I could post.  Im really starting to despise technology but I doubt that I could live without it lol.  Im so happy to say that it is the 5th day into the year and into my project and I am still at it.  I actually look for reasons to take photos now.  Im really enjoying this and hope that I am able to leave my comfort zone and start experimenting with the other settings on my camera.  Well todays photo it that of my grandparents chi/pom mix, she was born July 17, 2004 so that makes her 6 going on 7.  She is the most adorable dog I know and I am actually the one that purchased her for my grandmother as a birthday gift.  We are currently taking care of her due to my grandmother being moved into a nursing facility and my grandfather just being admitted into the hospital.  If you look closely at her face I seems that she is even smiling at the camera!