Saturday, March 26, 2011

I Just Need To Scream!

Maybe then I will feel better!  One minute Im happy and living my life then the next my life gets turned upside down as always.  Ya this so has to do with my mom.  Well I can remember if I talked about what she did with her truck or not already so the short version is: she was days away from the dealership here (yes there is a thriving dealership in a town of less then 500 ppl) repoing her truck due to her breaking the contract and not paying what she was supposed to pay.  Well she up and went to a dealership up where she is and traded the truck into them and got $11,000 roughly for it (they are reselling it for roughly $16,000).  Anyway that dealership called the one here and made a ten day payoff and gave them $3,000 to pay off the truck.  Well that left $8,000 that she could have pocketed and walked with.  Well what do you think she did?  She bought a car from the lot for the $8,000 instead, she didnt need a car they have a Yukan and neither of them work so its not like they need to vehicals!  I was fucking pissed!  She knew she could have walked with that money and she knew that she should have paid my grandfather (her dad) back the money HE paid to the dealership for her truck payment and the money that HE paid for her truck insurance!  She also is supposed to pay me $200 a month for the cell phone bill and guess what I have seen any of that money!  She could have gave me a little to cover some of what she owes me!  It just fucking pisses me off that she says that she loves me but she always fucking thinks of herself and her fucking fiance first!  She knew that the money she owed me would go to me fixing my car or getting a different one altogether!  Now cause of her I cant afford to fix my car so Im gonna have to junk both of them and its gonna take me months and months to save for a car.  We got into a huge fight through facebook messages and I told her unless I see $200 by the 9th of April then the phone will be shut off and then she started threatening me.  I finally got tired of it and told her to stay out of my life and out of my sons life.  Im finally done with my mom and even though I feel bad about how and what happened its something I know I should have done along time ago.  Time doesnt heal all wounds, it just makes it easier to live with them.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Trouble in Paradise

Ok ya so I wouldn't call my life a paradise but hey there has definitely been trouble.  First a couple days ago when I was playing the online PS3 game MAG (online real time multi-player war game) and I totally realized how many sexist chauvinistic pigs there are in the fucking world!  I just so happened to be the only female on my squad and all of a sudden I could hear the guys talking about 'the female'.  At first they tried a few times to vote to have me kicked out of the squad and off the game but failed.  Well the next thing I know when I'm set up in a prime location sniping the enemies I see one of my members run up behind me and shoot me in the head!  I'm all like WTF was that and accident or something and just shrugged it off then it kept happening probably a half a dozen times or more! I was pissed and started shooting at the ones that were killing me and launching rockets at them, I was totally pissed off!  Well then when I calmed down and raked up a pretty good streak of kills they finally succeeded to kick me off the squad and caused me to lose all points I would have gained!  ALL CAUSE I WAS A FUCKING GIRL PLAYING A WAR GAME! 

Well now today I got pissed off at a close friend of mine cause she told me I need to quite cursing on facebook cause some people may not like that!  Ok ya like I havent dealt with this before.  I cant remember how long ago it was but I got in a fight with one of my sisters about me cursing on MY facebook cause our little sister and brother could see it, well guess what bitch they know how to remove me if they dont want to fucking see it!  Well back to today. . . So I get fucking attacked for cursing on MY fucking facebook!  Oh my fucking god its called fucking freedom of speech!!!!!!!!!!  I will not change who I am, how I act, how I talk or what I say just to fucking appease some fucking ass!  If someone doesnt fucking like something about me then they can go fucking screw themselves and remove me from their fucking friends list!  Ugg I so hate fucking people today!!!!!

Ok so on a lighter note lol. . . Last night was the so called 'Supermoon'.  It was the closes the moon has been to the earth in 18 years.  Some places it appeared closer then others.  Here I was able to see it and get some pics of it.  I could so see that it was way brighter then it normally was cause it had the entire sky lite up drastically and I was able to get some amazingly zoomed in photos of it that I have never been able to do. 

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

There is a thin line that we all agree needs defined

So on one of the site that I use daily there was a story of a women that had her water break at 22 wks and went into labor (story can be found HERE).  Well in the state were she lives its illegal to do an abortion after 20 wks to prevent undue pain to a fetus.  Well I may be anti-abortion but that's not way that law should be used.  As you read the story it explains that as the contractions continued fluid was leaked causing the baby to not be able to move and ended up being smashed by the one thing that was to protect it, the uterus.  Well the baby was eventually delivered, and only lived for 15 minutes before passing away in the arms of the mother, but after much pain that was caused to it and so much emotional pain that was caused to the parents.  I understand that the doctors didn't want to face legal actions but I'm pretty sure no matter what a judge and jury would have agreed that they would have done what was best for the baby.  Both pro and anti abortions activist agree that laws need to be changed around and more clearly defined.  I believe that abortions are wrong and that all fetus's/babies need to be given a chance and that if they are meant to live they will but that is not our choice to make.  Although don't get me wrong there are times when I believe that abortions are necessary, like in the story I was talking about.  The sad part is though that when government makes rules and laws they never take into account every scenario that can happen.  Its also sad that usually people try to find loopholes around laws but in this case they didn't and if they would have they probably would have saved that child from a lot of unnecessary pain.  I don't know maybe its just me but its not right that the only way of getting around that law is if the mothers life is threatened why do they never think about the child, oh wait that's because according to the government its not a child, not a human, its a fetus.   

Monday, March 14, 2011

As Days Go By

I find myself easily distracted by many things at the moment.  I have a feeling that it has to do with my grandma passing and me looking for any sign that she may be here with us.  I'm no longer content with TV shows, I'm no longer content with the Internet and it has started to bore me.  I have been introduced to a new PS3 game that is online play but I can only play it for short periods of time before it starts to bore me too.  I'm trying to change my life but I keep hitting road blocks.  I try to exercise but it causes my back and knees to ache so bad that I have to stop.  I try to eat better, eat more fruits and veggies, drink more water, and eat less junk and candy.  I also seem to find an excuse not to.  I caved after a week of drinking no soda and had one, I bought a bag of candy that is almost gone, I find no interest in fruits or veggies like I did a month or so ago.  I know that most of what I am doing is a way to hide from my feelings and not have to morn or hurt or anything but its not healthy for me.  There are days when I just want to stay in bed and cry but I can.  I have things that I have to do.  I know that there will come a day when I can no longer be strong and I will break and some days I wish that I would just happen.   There is a saying I guess you would call it that I have used in the past and one day again it will describe me.

"The girl that seemed unbreakable; broke.  The girl that seemed strong; crumbled.  The girl that always laughed; cried.  The girl that never stopped trying; finally gave up. . . She dropped the fake smile as a tear ran down her cheek and whispered to herself; 'I cant do this anymore."

Monday, March 7, 2011

Back Burner Of Life

So as I was reading through my older posts, namely the one for the beginning of the year stating all the things I wanted to accomplish this year, I have realized everything kinda either was put on the back burning of my life or just went out the window.  Im happy to say that I have still been eating better and exercising but as for starting to knit again and my 365 photo challange ya right.  I havent felt like knitting although I still want to and as for my challange I was going through my photos a realized I have a lot of days when I never took even one single photo.  I may be able to catch up but Im not sure I really want to.  I have so much on my plate right now.  We have made plans weeks in advance hoping that things fall into place.  We want Dante to stay with my aunt for a week so that we can totally clean this entire house which consists of 2 floors, 4 bdrms and 2 bthrms.  Mainly wanting all bdrms, closets bthrms and the kitchen cleaned.  Not to mention as many windows in and out cleaned.  Its a big undertaking cause I remember when my mom and grandmother used to do it and it would take days sometimes longer.  Im going to have to shampoo the floor too but that may happen this week if it stays nice and I can get everyone to stay out of the house for hours.  Oh well I guess its something that has to be done.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Emotional Girl

Im not sure if it has to do with my grandmother passing a month ago or what but it seems like I have been extremely emotional lately.  Whether it be something I read, watch, listen to or see, I just seem to break down at the drop of a hat.  Like this morning I was watching the Top 20 Countdown on CMT and Sara Evans new video came on, I wanted to cry so bad, it hit the mark with how I have been feeling when I comes to me and my ex-husband.  Its surprising that even after more then 3 yrs how he still get to me.  Or when I went onto Cafemom and was looking through the forum in the group that I admin for and was reading a post from a good friend about her grandmother and didnt even make it a quarter way threw before Tim had to take the computer away from cause I just totally lost it and broke down.  It was hard reading how similar her story and mine are.  Its brought back memories of last month that I have been running and hiding from.  I was watching Secret Millionair and Undercover Boss and they are just causing me to cry cry cry.  Im not sure what is going on with me but Im guessing that I am not over the grieving process of my grandmother. 

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Oh The Days Of My Life

ya so here i sit at 10:10 pm on a thursday night.  im still using tims computer cause mine has me stumped.  i was able to buy an external hard drive today and he moved everything that i need and want off of mine and onto it and have it hooked up to tims.  its irritating but it works for now.  i have been given permission to put some of my editing programs onto tims computer but i just dont have a mouse to do the editing with.  i also looked at computers today while we were in town and i think that i will possibly buy a new one next month if i am unable to figure out what is wrong with mine.  other then that i went and got new piercings today, they are called snakebites.  its a double lip piercing.  it hurt to have it done but now its not bad other then when im trying to eat something and bite the post.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

So Much On My Mind

There is so much that is going through my mind but so much of it I just cant bring myself to say.  I mean it truly seems like this year I am cursed.  I cant think of one thing that has went the way I need it to go or one thing that has happened that is good.  And I know that I could sit here and dwell on the past and everything but that would not be good for me.  It wouldnt help me mentally, emotionally or physically.  It would strip me of all energy and light that I have.  I have to focus on the good things in my life.  I have a wonderful man by my side that is willing to protect me no matter what, I have an amazing 2 yr old little boy that has fought amazing odds to be here, I have my grandfather that I get to be with everyday and I have the best friends that a person could ask for.  Now if only either Tim or I could obtain a paying job and not have to rely on his and Dante's social security.  Although this month there are a few things that I am so looking forwards too.  One is tomorrow we are heading into town, Bend/Redmond, and besides shopping and seeing friends I am getting my snakebite piercings done!  For those that dont know they are a double lip piercing and I will post pics tomorrow.  Also this month I am so ordering a treadmill, I know that spring is coming but we are still having crappy ass weather that we are not able to walk in and also with a treadmill I can walk trice a day and not just once.  I want to walk for an hour in the morning and an hour in the evening.  Last summer when I was walking for at least an hour a day I lost over 20 pounds and was so surprised that it was that easy.  I just cant wait.  Oh and I need to start looking for a new motor for my chevy and possibly a new computer :( oh well thats life.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

If Its Not One Thing Its Another!

I swear I must be cursed this year!  As I am sitting here writing this I am on Tims laptop.  I think mine has decided that it no longer wants to live at least when it comes to the internet.  So much has happened in my life this year that makes me just want to curl up in a ball and just stay like that.  Mom and I have constantly faught, cant afford to repair my car, my grandmother passed away less then a month ago, my external laptop mouse fried and now my laptop is done.  This is one time I wish I could win the lotto lol.  Everytime I try to load that internet my computer closes the window! Its evil, I cant edit my photos cause I have no external mouse, and cant enter any online photo contests.  Ug I just hope that my computer doesnt truly take a shit cause I would literally loose my life.  Everything is on that thing including all of my photos from the last 3 years.  I was just planning on getting a new mouse Thursday but I guess I will be buying an external hard-drive so I can save everything safely.  It will probably take a month or two or three to save up to get a new computer too.  Anyone got some money they could loan lol.