Friday, November 26, 2010

Why Me? Why My Son?

Sometimes I look at my son when he is sleeping peacefully and wonder why he came into this world that way that he did.  I wonder why I was choosen to suffer the way I did and why he was choosen to suffer the way he did.  I know that I am a better person for what we went through and that I have learned to charish life more then ever but I just dont understand.  I have been seeing alot of moms-to-be lately complaining about either wishing that the pregnancy would either hurry up and end or that are complaining of being "over due".  They dont understand just how lucky there are!  Any mom that has had to have a child ripped from her body before that life was ready knows what I am aiming at.  I feel so cheated cause I was not able to experience the last two months of my first pregnancy and I will never get that chance again.  I do plan on having more children but it will not be the same.  I will never get to experience what all first time moms experience ever.  I hate when I hear moms talking about how they cant wait till they hit 37 wks so they can be induced or elect to have a c-section, I hate hearing moms complaining that they are past their due date and want the doctor to induce them.  Its not right they have no idea that there are millions of moms out there that would give the world to be in their shoes and would not complain once single bit and I am one of those moms!  I now feel so strongly about have as little medical intervention as possible during my next pregnancies!  I want to have a vaginal birth with my next children so bad! That will only happen if I allow my body to do it how it wants when it wants that even means going as far past my due date as my body wants!  I just wish more doctors would stop pushing and using scare tactics to get moms to give birth on their scheduals.  I wish that doctors would realize that the women knows her body better then they do and that they would allow the mom to have more controll over the birth.  This is a reason why I have alread made up my mind that I will only see a OBGYN up till my insurance will cover a Midwife then I will be transfering and having a waterbirth with my future pregnancies.  Yes people I already have everything figured out.  I dont want to have anything else taken from me.  I dont want there to be any other reasons for me to sit and hate others, I want to experience what I wasnt able to and more.  I want others to see that they dont have to do what the doctors tell them that there are other ways. 

Thursday, November 25, 2010


Well the dinner is over and Im the only one that isnt laying down napping!  We had a 15 pound turkey for my grandfather, Tim, Dante and myself.  I got up a 8 and had it stuffed and in the roaster by 10.  We had mashed potatoes with gravy (made from the broth of the gizzards and turkey neck), veggie plate, green bean casserole, candied sweet potatoes, orange jello with shredded carrots in it, and dinner rolls.  We will be having pumpkin pie later.

It feels kinda funny this year not having a house full of people.  We are so used to cooking and setting a table for at least 6 people not 4.  It was hard trying to figure out exactly how much I need to make of everything so we have a ton of left overs.  We have atleast a half of a turkey, the mashed potatoes and gravy was dumped into the garbage alone with the stuffing.  The veggies hardly got touched, same with the green bean casserole (im apparently the only one that likes it), and the jello.  About half a dish of sweet potatoes are left.  Wow Im gonna be so done with turkey and everything within the next week I think we will have a ham for Christmas!  Well I think its time to look online for recipe ideas for the leftovers, anyone have any ideas?

 tim always has to have the leg and this year I cut it off at the hip joint so he got the most of it

It takes up at least half of his plate! He for the first time was unable to finish it!

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Sorry I Need To Vent!

Ok so Im going to just say first off that I cheated on my fiance with one of your friends at the beginning of the year but we have worked throught that and we are still friends with him, well he knows that I still care about him and uses those emotions to his advantage and uses to get what he wants from me.  But the vent part has to do with that so called friend of ours!  We put him on our cell phone plan cause he needed a phone so his employer could contact him and so he could contact family and they him in emergencies.  Well from as much as I watch Judge Judy you would think I would no better then to not do that.  Well I have papers and texts that state that he would pay his part of the bill every month.  Well for the last 5 or 6 months he has not paid and I have let him slide cause his employer here cut his hours back, well last month he just up and moved without letting anyone know!  He now owes just shy of $300 and will not call or text or email me back!  I finally broke down and sent him a nasty email on myspace and facebook, I even left it as a comment on his facebook wall.  Well that was yesterday and have I heard from him? NO!  I finally let my mother know what was happening and she got a text from him saying that he is sending out money tomorrow! Um ya thats all good and everything but he does nothing but lie to her and he never once has said anything to me about why he hasnt paid me!  He said that he gets paid the 10th of every month at this new job but oh lookie its the 22nd!  My mom has been telling him that he needs to contact me one way or another!  I just know that he will not send out any money and I mean I told him that if he doesnt pay by the 15th of next month that the phone is being cut off and I will be filing a suit against him!  Even if he does fucking send money out tomorrow I will still be doing it unless he steps up and talks to me!... Sorry I dont know how much sense that makes but Im thinking it was just a bunch of rambling.

Here is the email I sent him:

Im sorry I have to do this but I can no longer cut you any slack. You have not paid you part of the bill for the last 5 or 6 months! You balance as of last months was $240.23 with your current charges being $28.75, that makes your new balance $268.98. Im sorry to have to do this to you but I have a child to take care of and bills to pay. I can no longer let you slide on your part of the bill. You told me that if we were ever to get together that you would always take care of me and Dante and well honestly Im glad that we are not together cause you have now proven to me that you can not handle responsibility, if you cant step up and pay your bill or even call me the day you get paid or the week you are suppost to pay me then you would have never been able to step up and take care of me or my child that you calm to love like your own. I know that it is the holiday season now but if you dont pay me by December 15th, 2010 then I will be forced to shut your phone off, I will contact the police where you are at and have them take the phone since we paid for it, and I will also being filing a suit against you for the money owed. I have warned you for the past I dont know how many months that sooner or later I will be forced to take action and now I am being forced to take that action. This has been sent to multiple account of yours, I have also left you a voicemail on your number letting you know about this so you cant use the excuse that I never gave you a heads up about this. Im sorry Robert, I really do care about you but I just cant let you slide on your responsibility anymore you need to learn a lesson and Im sorry it has to be me that does it.

OMG he didnt . . .!

Ok we took Dante back out to play in the snow tonight and as we were headed back in the house he walked over the the metal railing on the end of the porch and was just standing there or so we thought. . .We kept telling him to come on its cold but he wouldn't move and then he started to cry and my heart just sunk! I just knew what I was gonna find!  I walked over and yelled at Tim to go and get some water, Dante had stuck his bottom lip AND tongue to the bar!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I was able to rub my finger against the bar where he was attached and get him loose before Tim got back with the water.  I was so worried from his crying that I so totally forgot I had my camera around me neck, now I am wishing I would have had taken a pic of it!  Oh not even 2 yet and already scaring the hell out of me!  Well here are some of the pics that I did take though. 


I don't think I have really realized that my life is totally complicated till today when I actually sat on the couch and thought about it.  I mean ya I knew that once in awhile something would happen that would totally throw bump in the road but when I look at the entire picture I realize that the road I travel is nothing but potholes!  Sometime I think that my life would be perfect for a daytime soap.  Ok I know that alot of you will not want to read about me wanting and raving about my past but I need to get alot off of my chest and that is why I created this blog.  I don't want to start from the beginning beginning (I'm not even sure where that is anymore).  I can shorten up everything up till about two years ago but then I just know that it will get way detailed.  So if I start from 2005 that would be something like - Lets see:

In 2005 I started college at COCC for the first time and moved in with one of my uncles and his wife.  I became more concerned about working my job that I also had that I ended up dropping out of school and working full-time at Target which I loved.  I was fired from there after the boss said they would have kept me on as a permanent full-time employee if it wasn't for someone called saying they were my mother checking to make sure I was at work all the time (my aunt). I was pissed I ended up calling my grandmother and crying telling her what happened and what they told me.  Got in a huge fight with my aunt and moved out.  Ended up moving in with a family friend a couple months later which then was later kicked out cause the strict ass ex-military ass wanted me to mow the grass every fucking day!  Spend the summer of 2006 back home and was going to move in with a friend for a couple weeks but then ended up moving in immediately with a guy (Nathan) that I met and fell instantly in love with (first guy I ever dated or was ever with).  That was Sept 2006, we married that December 4th, nine days before I turned 20.  We moved from Bend to Redmond to Sisters and back to Redmond in a span of about nine months.  The entire time Nathan was physically, emotionally, mentally, verbally and sexually abusive to me.  My now fiance (Tim) (Nathan's ex-best friend) found out after I freaked one night and made Nathan leave.  Tim got me out of there.  Needless to say it was a bad divorce, Nathan and I went back and forth I don't know how many times.  Well Nathan and I have tried to maintain friends but it wont work after what he did to me, I just has to say hi and I blow up at him.  I still have issues with him apparently! 

Well things where going so good for awhile for Tim and I, we were living with friends of ours getting ready to move and both start college when I found out I was pregnant with our son.  It was a surprise but we were both happy.  We had talked about having kids but we wanted school first then jobs then kids.  But then nothing ever happens that way I want it too.  Well since we where in a hurry to start school we had to take a room at a house that a women was renting out till we got money to rent an apartment saved, big mistake!  We were there from Sept 2008 till the end of Nov.  We had came back from Thanksgiving on the 29th and where immediately told that we had to be out by the 1st of Dec!  I mean wow.  She had shown our room while we were gone, entered without notifying us which was against her own rules.  She never once gave us notice to vacate or nothing and we hadn't done anything wrong.  We paid on time and stayed in our room most of the time doing homework, the only thing we could think of was that she knew I was pregnant (we told her when we moved in) and that she didn't like that fact that every time she would try to tell me what I could and couldn't do when pregnant I would get pissed and walk off.  Well we had Tim's dad come and help us move out the same night that she told us to leave! Mind out that she also rented out two of her other rooms and the one next to us we always had trouble with the guy in it and so did she, he broke into her room and ours and even admitted to it but she wouldn't make him leave.)  Well only a few days after that I ended up in the hospital in Redmond for the first time and was transferred to Bend and stayed there for two weeks due to pregnancy induce hypertension that they said could have been caused by the stress of what happened.  Well I wont go into great detail of what happened with Tim and I while I was in the hospital I will leave that for another post.  I was released Dec 12th the day before my 22nd bday.  We went and stayed with Tim's parents and then went back to my hometown for Christmas.  Headed back to his parents on the 29th cause I had a prenatal appointment the next day.  I went in for my prenatal and was sent to L&D where we sat for probably 6 hours without anyone telling us what was going on.  When the doctor on call finally came in and told me I had pre-eclampsia with HELLP syndrome and that our son hadn't developed for the since the last ultrasound, he gave us the option of being induced or having an emergency c-section, read more about this in my first blog entry.  Well our son spent ten days shy of two month in the NICU and it was the worst two months of my life.  Between that stress of watching our son fight for his life, the stress of Tim and I fighting, the stress of trying not to loss the love we had for each other and the stress of dealing with his fucking family we almost didn't make it though together.  (I will put all the drama between Tim and I, and the drama from Tim's family in a few other posts.)  Once Dante came home finally most of the drama we had to deal with came from Tim's family.  But I'm not saying that my family is far from drama free.  There has been alot of drama with my side of the family, but this is it for my vent for now.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

My other blog

Ok so I have started another blog titled "Weight Loss Journey".  This blog is dedicated to my life in general so I figured that since I have decided to stick to a weight loss plan and want to loss at least 20 pounds by the end of the year and hopefully one day hit my goal I need to write everything down.  I figure that if I have people reading what I will be going through and have people supporting me then I wont slip and just give up. So her is the link to it:

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Blogging For Preemies! Premature Birth Awareness Day!

Well today is National Premature Birth Awareness Day!  The March of Dimes also have an event going on today where you are to wear something purple to show your support.  I signed up through to participate in a worldwide blogging of stories either personal or of a preemie that you know.  I planned to make today's blog the first post in my blog for a reason. This is a very important cause for me.  My son was born Dec. 30, 2008 at 8 weeks early that would have made him only 32 wks gestational age rather then the 37-42+ wks that they say is full term.  My sons story can get long if I keep to the details but I don't want people to feel sorry for him either.  He is now a healthy almost 23 month old toddler.  He only has one developmental delay that we are just now starting to notice and we are yet to be sure if it has to do with his early birth. . .

Dante's story starts back when in the summer of 2008 Tim and I found out we were expecting a surprise baby.  When I hit 21 wks we found out it was a little boy, Dante Alexander P.  We knew that I was having complications from pregnancy induced hypertension (high blood pressure) but we were keeping under control with meds.  Well things where going great till the Sunday after Thanksgiving when we were forcibly evicted (before our lease was up and rent was always paid on time) from where we were staying.  Well Tim's dad came and helped us move into their house and within a couple days I started having pain in my side and they kept getting worst, I just figured another UTI since I was so prone to them.  I finally gave into the pain thinking that all that would happen was that we would go to the ER and they would give me meds for the UTI and send me home.  Was I ever wrong!  Apparently my BP meds stopped working with me and on top of my UTI I had extremely high BP.  I cant remember the exact BP but the top number was in the 200s and the bottom was in the 100s, now for those that don't know normal BP should be around or under 120/80.  We  they wanted me in a different hospital where there was a NICU just in case they had to take him then.  Tim drove me to Bend where they took me straight into L&D.  I spent 2 wks in there on strick bedrest I was only allowed up to use the bathroom and be weighed.  They finally was able to get my BP back under control with no signs of early labor thank god and was released the day before my 22nd  birthday , Dec. 12, 2008.  Well from that point on I was made to take weekly stress tests and if you have ever went through them the name fits.  Well I went to my families for the holiday and ended up missing on of my stress tests which the doctors where not at all too worried about.  Oh and the last actually ultrasound they did of my son was when I was in the hospital at about 28-29 wks.  I had an appointment on Tuesday the 30th so I wasn't worried.  We headed home on the 29th and I was actually excited about my appointment the next day cause if all went well they wanted me to have another ultrasound.  Well we went in for my appointment and they wanted to do a kick count on my son but we tried everything and could not get him to kick.  They came in and finally told me that they were sending me over to L&D and having me emitted yet again.  Man was a bummed but I kept my hopes up that he was just being lazy and sleeping.  Well when I went into L&D the long time family friend that I knew was working the desk and said they had been waiting for me and was putting me straight into one of the rooms.  They came in and did a few tests and an ultrasound on me.  I sat in the room for about four hours before anyone came in a said anything to me.  They had to take me son one way or another!  I was freaked!  We waited for the OB on call, he turned out to be way better then my doc, he came in a explained to us that the ultrasound showed that our son had not grown and possibly had not developed since our last ultrasound.  He was sure that our son would be fine since I had the steroid shots for the lungs weeks before with my first stay.  He gave us too option, be induced and possible not have our son for at least a day with not guarantees that he would survive it with his size or have an emergency c-section within the next few hours.  We opted for the c-section and at 5:57pm, Dec. 30, 2008, our son was born screaming and kicking at 8 weeks early! He was 3 pounds 13 ounces and 15 1/4 inches long! 

He was rushed to the NICU on site with Tim right behind him, I never got to see me son for the first 24 hrs of his life.  I was in pain and heart broken, I felt like a failure.  When I first saw him the next morning it was just my mom, myself and a couple of the nurses.  I was able to hold him right then!  My mom was the one to start crying but I stayed strong, I had to for my son.  It wasn't easy seeing him that little, seeing him fighting for his life, losing and gaining weight on a daily basis.  It sent me into a deep bout of depression.  I would have to force myself to go see him, to feed him, to hold him.  He would go from one day being under the blue light for jaundice to the next day being off of it then back to being under it again the day after that.  He was in an incubator for about the first month of his life and all we could do when we weren't holding him is reach in through the holes and touch him.  He has machine after machine hooked up to him.  He was on an oxygen line, had a pic line that went in through his arm down a vein, he had a feeding tube down his throat.  We had to use a syringe to feed our son my breastmilk that was fortified with formula.  It was a long first month.  I remember the day when Tim and I walked into Dante's room and he was off the blue light for good and out of the incubator and in a bassinet.  I was more then happy!  Now we just had to make sure he kept gaining the weight and that they would take away all the tubes and machines.  Wow I just cant talk about anymore today, I'm fighting back the tears while I am typing this. 

Our son showed us that he is a fighter, and we both believe that he is going to do good and amazing things in this world.  I mean otherwise why would he have fought so hard to live right!