Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Pregnancy and Infant Loss

Such a taboo topic right? Well not for me. See I have now suffered 3, yes 3, losses the most recent being yesterday. Technically the medical society wouldnt even consider them a loss since they were all before 6 weeks gestation but to me a baby is a baby from the time of conception. Just because I didnt see a bean on an ultrasound, hear a heartbeat, feel a kick or flip, watch my tummy grow or any of those things I love about pregnancy doesnt mean I wasnt pregnant and doesnt mean there wasnt a tiny human growing in me all it means it that I have one more angel watching over my family and myself. 

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month (among many things) and today (yes Im cutting it close) October 15th, just like every year, is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  Its hard, after losing a pregnancy and then having the pregnancies of my two living boys cut dangerously short it hurts to see other become pregnant and carry full term. Its not that Im anger with them or wishing something to happen, Im truly happy for them all but I cant help but feel jealous and ask myself why me, why has all this happened to me. Every night for months after my first two loses i replayed it all in my head, could I have done something different, did they or are they doing something i didnt do? I know that its not up to me, that is up to my body and up to something greater then me. I honestly believe everything happens for a reason, doesnt help the pain but still. 

Anyway this time, yesterday was the worst, it was the worst pain out of all of them. I was literally doubled over in pain on the kitchen floor rocking back and forth cause it hurt so bad, I knew something wasnt right when a warm bath didnt even help. It didnt even dawn on me what was happening till I saw that I had passed tissue and not just blood clots. The scary part is that I have an IUD in. The pain is gone and the blood is almost non existent, I just have to watch for a fever and more pain. This IUD is coming out and soon, I will not go through this again. The thing is before i got the Paragard IUD I researched and researched and researched it, I knew the risks but everything I read and was told was that it was super super rare for a women to get pregnant with one. Well apparently not cause a friend told me that a girl just went through the same thing and I have found story after story after story about this happening. This is just another case of people being played just so money can be made. Well after this I will never use birth control again, well I cant use hormonal birth control anyway due to allergies but I will never trust anything other then my body and will be charting from now on. 

Ok so got kinda off topic... back to the loss. I remember I didnt tell Tim till after I took the bath, well I didnt realize thats what it was till then. I remember going down stairs and sitting down and saying its not a period that I was pregnant and the IUD made me lose it. I remember the look on Tims face and him asking me to go back upstairs with him so we could talk. We went into the bathroom and I broke down, he walked out of the room after Dante came in and asked why I was crying and Tim hit the wall with his hand. I didnt explain to Dante what was wrong just told him mommy was sick. I think he knew something else was wrong, he wouldnt leave us alone. 

I remember the day of each loss even if I dont remember each exact date. I remember what it felt like each time. I know what its like to think about the what ifs every day and night. I hate the silence, the time when my head fills with the thoughts and fears and questions. Its bad enough that I may never be medically cleared to have more kids but the thoughts that float through my head of the children that could have been hurt. Im suppose to me happy and loving my children, enjoying the gear up for Halloween and making plans for Thanksgiving, Christmas and birthdays, not grieving for a child, for children that never will be. 

*sigh* I read a post of facebook day talking about the loss of a child, it said that a child is not loss, they are not an object that can be misplaced. I will agree with that, they are not really loss, they are always and forever in my heart and soul, always watching over me. They are always just a silent moment away. Gone from this Earthly plane but never forgotten. 

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