Thursday, December 9, 2010

When Reality Hits It Hits Hard!

Well as i was just laying in bed talkin to Tim i ended up completely breaking down and realizing that there is so much that i have been holding in and that if i dont get it out its goin to end up killing me.  there is so much that happens in my life that society tells me is not ok to talk about in the open.  there is so much that friends and family, the people that know me the most, wouldnt want to believe about me.  ever since i left high school in 2005 my life has just been one big fucking mess.  i have been threw more then almost everyone my age and even some that are older then me will ever see in their life time and i pray that those i know never have to go through it.  i have survived domestic violence worst then most people can imagine, i hoped that when i got out of there it would make me a stronger person but it just left me scared and so fucking mentally and emotionally messed up that i can barely function on any given day and have to wear a fake smile around everyone including my son and Tim.  i have been through a pregnancy from hell where my son almost died before i even got to meet him and then had to fight for his own life while i wallowed in my self pity and let depression control me.  i have seen what happens when you have no other choice but to fight to make your voice heard even though in the end it doesnt make one tiny ounce of difference.  i have to fight on a daily basis to remind myself that there is a reason for me to wake up in the morning that there is a reason to get out of bed everyday.  i on so many occasions have thought about ended it all that everyone that i know would be so much better without me in their lives to complicate it.  i have fought to make people understand that just cause they believe one thing doesnt mean that everyone else does or that what they believe is right for everyone.  i believe so strongly in so many causes and that nothing will ever be done about those causes if we cant get people talking about them and admitting that they are happening everyday, but there are many people out there, some i even know, that believe that talking will not do any good that the first step is to act, but people will not act unless they talk about it first.  i had that fight with a very close friend of mine that i consider a brother and that i deeply care about.  i realized that i now resent him for what he said and that as much as i care about him i could honestly care less if i ever talk to him again.  until you go through what myself and other survivors and victims go through you can never justify what you believe.  i have came so close to death both by the hands of another that i trusted and by my own hands, i have also watched a brand new life fight for his own.  i will always have scars and feel the pain but will never heal if i am not allowed to talk about it.  society wants to ignore what is happening so that no one has to listen to the truth we want everyone to believe that the world is a happy place.  well this world will never be happy especially when we deny everything. 

1 comment:

  1. Im sick of pretending that Im ok and everythings ok . . . when clearly its not . . . no matter how hard i try . . . things in my life just fall apart right in my path . . .