Monday, March 14, 2011

As Days Go By

I find myself easily distracted by many things at the moment.  I have a feeling that it has to do with my grandma passing and me looking for any sign that she may be here with us.  I'm no longer content with TV shows, I'm no longer content with the Internet and it has started to bore me.  I have been introduced to a new PS3 game that is online play but I can only play it for short periods of time before it starts to bore me too.  I'm trying to change my life but I keep hitting road blocks.  I try to exercise but it causes my back and knees to ache so bad that I have to stop.  I try to eat better, eat more fruits and veggies, drink more water, and eat less junk and candy.  I also seem to find an excuse not to.  I caved after a week of drinking no soda and had one, I bought a bag of candy that is almost gone, I find no interest in fruits or veggies like I did a month or so ago.  I know that most of what I am doing is a way to hide from my feelings and not have to morn or hurt or anything but its not healthy for me.  There are days when I just want to stay in bed and cry but I can.  I have things that I have to do.  I know that there will come a day when I can no longer be strong and I will break and some days I wish that I would just happen.   There is a saying I guess you would call it that I have used in the past and one day again it will describe me.

"The girl that seemed unbreakable; broke.  The girl that seemed strong; crumbled.  The girl that always laughed; cried.  The girl that never stopped trying; finally gave up. . . She dropped the fake smile as a tear ran down her cheek and whispered to herself; 'I cant do this anymore."

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