Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Its Not As Easy As I Thought It Would Be!!!!

Ok so due to my emotional and mental upheaval I have decided to give up Facebook for at least a week maybe longer but its not working!  Every time that I am online to do anything I'm tempted to open up my page . . . and a lot of the time I have ended up open it.  I immediately feel guilty and close it and find something else to do.  I know that what I am trying to do is to help me and allow me to emotionally and mentally heal but its hard to be cut off from everyone after you are so used to being able to see what they are up to everyday and be able to talk to them. 

It was proven to both Tim and I last night that I need this break from everything due to the fact that I had a complete emotional breakdown last night as we were getting ready to go to bed that seemed to last for probably thirty minutes at least.  It just started out with Tim and I talking about things that were on his mind things that have happened in the recent past and just kinda snowballed.  I went off on how I don't understand how someone could refuse to believe the truth when it is thrown in their face with unforgeable proof and how some one can looking into the eyes of the person that they love and have a family with and are going to spend the rest of their lives with and just fucking flat out lie to that person.  Then went on about how its not fair that there are people that I know that are pregnant when they don't need anymore kids, or don't deserve to have a child or didn't want anymore kids.  About how people that I know seem to not have to worry about getting pregnant that it just seems to happen once they decide they want more.  I was a total complete mess last night and just couldn't seem to stop from crying.  I'm jealous of women that are pregnant, I'm jealous of women that get to experience those last couple of months that I have stolen from me!  I hate hearing or seeing women complain about being pregnant and that they wish it would just be over with cause they are so miserable!  They have no idea how fucking lucky they are!  I'm jealous of the women that have no problem getting pregnant when there are women out there that have tried for months even years to get pregnant and get no sympathy from anyone they are just told that how its supposed to be.  Like hell!

I used to not be like this but having my son 8 wks early and by the way of an emergency c-section has changed me.  I want to say that it has changed me for the better but I'm really starting to seriously think that's not true.  I know that it has caused me to have major mental issues which I have been diagnosed with such as depression, PTSD, anxiety and panic attacks, etc . . . I never pictured life as a mother to be like this.  I thought that it would be easy, you have the baby and watch him or her grow and you nurture the child and shape them into an amazing adult.  I thought that women that said they had problems were just making up excuses to not do their job as a mother but now from personal experiences I know that they are not excuses but real medical conditions that do interfere with daily activities and can prevent you from being the parent that you are supposed to be. 

I guess there is just a lot on my mind and a lot that I have been thinking about lately.  I know that Tim sees the differences in me and I know that the person that I am now is not the person that he fell in love with.  I want to get back to that person but I dont know if that is the person that he wants any more and I dont even know of that person is able to be found any more . . .

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