Stubborn Fucking Ass!!!!!!!!!

I just dont fucking understand how someone (a male friend of mine) can be fucking on unemployment and be fine with sitting on his ass all day everyday and let his fiance (who was on unemployment but got dropped and working barely half-time) pick up all the bills.  She is ready to walk out on him!  I really dont blame her I know what its like.  Tim and I both spent I dont know how long on the phone with him, Tim was talking to him calmly and I was yelling at him.  He kept telling us that he has been applying for jobs but he does it when she is asleep, well I called bullshit on that and he wouldnt pull up the online apps to prove it either.  He should be out there pounding the fucking pavement every fucking day till he finds a job! He told me there are no options for jobs over there, well bullshit with that too!  I was online looking for jobs for his fiance and found like 10 or more in less the 15 minutes!  If it was Tim and I going through this right now Tim would lose everything electronic till he got a fucking job and he knows that.  If I was her I would get rid of his PS3, his computer and everything!  But then that is just me. 

Anyway I just got a text message from her and they talked after we got off the phone and they are both going out Monday and pound the pavement and find her a better job with more hours and him a job! God I sure hope we really did get it through his head and he does get a job.  I love them both and as much as I would hate to see them split I understand and doubt that I would be able to stay friends with him if he loses her over something this stupid.

Life Goes On With Or Without You

As much as I would love to stay in bed every morning and never get up I know that I have to.  I have people that depend on me, mainly my son.  It seems that we are always getting the short end of the stick too. 

So in January Tim's fathers social security check was accidently deposited into our account cause apparently Tim and his father both updated checking account info around the same time.  Any way when we first brought it to their attention they threatened to have us arrested for their mistake!  Anyway... we didnt hear from them till we recieved a letter from them stating they were listing it as an overpayment on Tim's and Dante's checks, ok fine so now all I had to do was write out a check to them and send it to them, well done.  Well then a month later there is no cashing of the check and we contacted them and they never recieved it so I went online and put a stop payment on it and listed it as lost.  So when we were in Bend on the 10th of March we went into the local office and wrote a new check and handed it over and they gave us proof of payment and everything.  Well a week later it was cashed, thank god!  Well then we recieve a letter stating that Tim's and Dante's checks are going to be docked to pay back the money so of course I panic and Tim calls them only to be told that its fine that that letter was auto sent and didnt reflect the payment we made, ok so we are safe right.  Well on April 1st the checks are deposited into my account and I write out all of the checks to pay the bills.  Well then Saturday morning, the 2nd, I wake up to only check my email and find a notification from my bank stating that I have no money and actually Im in the red for almost $200!  I freak!  Of course with it being a Saturday we cant do a fucking thing.  So Im crying and upset and for the only time in my life I have to ask my grandfather for money.  Of course I get a lecture from him and he was totally in the wrong though saying that I shouldnt use online banking but if it wasnt for the online banking I would have never known about it to begin with.  I mean how does a check that has a stop payment on it still get fucking cashed!  Anyway when Monday came around Tim called Social Security and they told him that they show that only one check, the last one we wrote out, was cashed.  Anyway me not think I didnt bother to check my account till after he called.  When I finally checked it the money was back it there!  OMG I have never been so fucking happy to log onto my account lol.  Anyway I have so been thinking about how this could have happened and Im wondering that since it went through on a Saturday that the computer just wasnt able to catch it till Monday. 

Also we are having difficulties in potty training our 27 month old son.  One week he is all excited about sitting on the potty and will even sneak off and we catch him sitting on it, fully clothed, so we pull his pants down and remove his diaper and he will sit there for a few minutes then get off.  Well then the next week he acts as if he is terrified of it!  Like today, when he went to take a bath he kept seeing pee pee so I put his poty cushion on the toilet and his stool in front of it and he freaked.  He started backing our of the bathroom almost ready to cry.  Ugg I knew that little boys can be stubborn when it comes to this but come on! 

I just dont know anymore what to do.

I Just Need To Scream!

Maybe then I will feel better!  One minute Im happy and living my life then the next my life gets turned upside down as always.  Ya this so has to do with my mom.  Well I can remember if I talked about what she did with her truck or not already so the short version is: she was days away from the dealership here (yes there is a thriving dealership in a town of less then 500 ppl) repoing her truck due to her breaking the contract and not paying what she was supposed to pay.  Well she up and went to a dealership up where she is and traded the truck into them and got $11,000 roughly for it (they are reselling it for roughly $16,000).  Anyway that dealership called the one here and made a ten day payoff and gave them $3,000 to pay off the truck.  Well that left $8,000 that she could have pocketed and walked with.  Well what do you think she did?  She bought a car from the lot for the $8,000 instead, she didnt need a car they have a Yukan and neither of them work so its not like they need to vehicals!  I was fucking pissed!  She knew she could have walked with that money and she knew that she should have paid my grandfather (her dad) back the money HE paid to the dealership for her truck payment and the money that HE paid for her truck insurance!  She also is supposed to pay me $200 a month for the cell phone bill and guess what I have seen any of that money!  She could have gave me a little to cover some of what she owes me!  It just fucking pisses me off that she says that she loves me but she always fucking thinks of herself and her fucking fiance first!  She knew that the money she owed me would go to me fixing my car or getting a different one altogether!  Now cause of her I cant afford to fix my car so Im gonna have to junk both of them and its gonna take me months and months to save for a car.  We got into a huge fight through facebook messages and I told her unless I see $200 by the 9th of April then the phone will be shut off and then she started threatening me.  I finally got tired of it and told her to stay out of my life and out of my sons life.  Im finally done with my mom and even though I feel bad about how and what happened its something I know I should have done along time ago.  Time doesnt heal all wounds, it just makes it easier to live with them.

Trouble in Paradise

Ok ya so I wouldn't call my life a paradise but hey there has definitely been trouble.  First a couple days ago when I was playing the online PS3 game MAG (online real time multi-player war game) and I totally realized how many sexist chauvinistic pigs there are in the fucking world!  I just so happened to be the only female on my squad and all of a sudden I could hear the guys talking about 'the female'.  At first they tried a few times to vote to have me kicked out of the squad and off the game but failed.  Well the next thing I know when I'm set up in a prime location sniping the enemies I see one of my members run up behind me and shoot me in the head!  I'm all like WTF was that and accident or something and just shrugged it off then it kept happening probably a half a dozen times or more! I was pissed and started shooting at the ones that were killing me and launching rockets at them, I was totally pissed off!  Well then when I calmed down and raked up a pretty good streak of kills they finally succeeded to kick me off the squad and caused me to lose all points I would have gained!  ALL CAUSE I WAS A FUCKING GIRL PLAYING A WAR GAME! 

Well now today I got pissed off at a close friend of mine cause she told me I need to quite cursing on facebook cause some people may not like that!  Ok ya like I havent dealt with this before.  I cant remember how long ago it was but I got in a fight with one of my sisters about me cursing on MY facebook cause our little sister and brother could see it, well guess what bitch they know how to remove me if they dont want to fucking see it!  Well back to today. . . So I get fucking attacked for cursing on MY fucking facebook!  Oh my fucking god its called fucking freedom of speech!!!!!!!!!!  I will not change who I am, how I act, how I talk or what I say just to fucking appease some fucking ass!  If someone doesnt fucking like something about me then they can go fucking screw themselves and remove me from their fucking friends list!  Ugg I so hate fucking people today!!!!!

Ok so on a lighter note lol. . . Last night was the so called 'Supermoon'.  It was the closes the moon has been to the earth in 18 years.  Some places it appeared closer then others.  Here I was able to see it and get some pics of it.  I could so see that it was way brighter then it normally was cause it had the entire sky lite up drastically and I was able to get some amazingly zoomed in photos of it that I have never been able to do. 

There is a thin line that we all agree needs defined

So on one of the site that I use daily there was a story of a women that had her water break at 22 wks and went into labor (story can be found HERE).  Well in the state were she lives its illegal to do an abortion after 20 wks to prevent undue pain to a fetus.  Well I may be anti-abortion but that's not way that law should be used.  As you read the story it explains that as the contractions continued fluid was leaked causing the baby to not be able to move and ended up being smashed by the one thing that was to protect it, the uterus.  Well the baby was eventually delivered, and only lived for 15 minutes before passing away in the arms of the mother, but after much pain that was caused to it and so much emotional pain that was caused to the parents.  I understand that the doctors didn't want to face legal actions but I'm pretty sure no matter what a judge and jury would have agreed that they would have done what was best for the baby.  Both pro and anti abortions activist agree that laws need to be changed around and more clearly defined.  I believe that abortions are wrong and that all fetus's/babies need to be given a chance and that if they are meant to live they will but that is not our choice to make.  Although don't get me wrong there are times when I believe that abortions are necessary, like in the story I was talking about.  The sad part is though that when government makes rules and laws they never take into account every scenario that can happen.  Its also sad that usually people try to find loopholes around laws but in this case they didn't and if they would have they probably would have saved that child from a lot of unnecessary pain.  I don't know maybe its just me but its not right that the only way of getting around that law is if the mothers life is threatened why do they never think about the child, oh wait that's because according to the government its not a child, not a human, its a fetus.   

As Days Go By

I find myself easily distracted by many things at the moment.  I have a feeling that it has to do with my grandma passing and me looking for any sign that she may be here with us.  I'm no longer content with TV shows, I'm no longer content with the Internet and it has started to bore me.  I have been introduced to a new PS3 game that is online play but I can only play it for short periods of time before it starts to bore me too.  I'm trying to change my life but I keep hitting road blocks.  I try to exercise but it causes my back and knees to ache so bad that I have to stop.  I try to eat better, eat more fruits and veggies, drink more water, and eat less junk and candy.  I also seem to find an excuse not to.  I caved after a week of drinking no soda and had one, I bought a bag of candy that is almost gone, I find no interest in fruits or veggies like I did a month or so ago.  I know that most of what I am doing is a way to hide from my feelings and not have to morn or hurt or anything but its not healthy for me.  There are days when I just want to stay in bed and cry but I can.  I have things that I have to do.  I know that there will come a day when I can no longer be strong and I will break and some days I wish that I would just happen.   There is a saying I guess you would call it that I have used in the past and one day again it will describe me.

"The girl that seemed unbreakable; broke.  The girl that seemed strong; crumbled.  The girl that always laughed; cried.  The girl that never stopped trying; finally gave up. . . She dropped the fake smile as a tear ran down her cheek and whispered to herself; 'I cant do this anymore."

Back Burner Of Life

So as I was reading through my older posts, namely the one for the beginning of the year stating all the things I wanted to accomplish this year, I have realized everything kinda either was put on the back burning of my life or just went out the window.  Im happy to say that I have still been eating better and exercising but as for starting to knit again and my 365 photo challange ya right.  I havent felt like knitting although I still want to and as for my challange I was going through my photos a realized I have a lot of days when I never took even one single photo.  I may be able to catch up but Im not sure I really want to.  I have so much on my plate right now.  We have made plans weeks in advance hoping that things fall into place.  We want Dante to stay with my aunt for a week so that we can totally clean this entire house which consists of 2 floors, 4 bdrms and 2 bthrms.  Mainly wanting all bdrms, closets bthrms and the kitchen cleaned.  Not to mention as many windows in and out cleaned.  Its a big undertaking cause I remember when my mom and grandmother used to do it and it would take days sometimes longer.  Im going to have to shampoo the floor too but that may happen this week if it stays nice and I can get everyone to stay out of the house for hours.  Oh well I guess its something that has to be done.

Emotional Girl

Im not sure if it has to do with my grandmother passing a month ago or what but it seems like I have been extremely emotional lately.  Whether it be something I read, watch, listen to or see, I just seem to break down at the drop of a hat.  Like this morning I was watching the Top 20 Countdown on CMT and Sara Evans new video came on, I wanted to cry so bad, it hit the mark with how I have been feeling when I comes to me and my ex-husband.  Its surprising that even after more then 3 yrs how he still get to me.  Or when I went onto Cafemom and was looking through the forum in the group that I admin for and was reading a post from a good friend about her grandmother and didnt even make it a quarter way threw before Tim had to take the computer away from cause I just totally lost it and broke down.  It was hard reading how similar her story and mine are.  Its brought back memories of last month that I have been running and hiding from.  I was watching Secret Millionair and Undercover Boss and they are just causing me to cry cry cry.  Im not sure what is going on with me but Im guessing that I am not over the grieving process of my grandmother. 

Oh The Days Of My Life

ya so here i sit at 10:10 pm on a thursday night.  im still using tims computer cause mine has me stumped.  i was able to buy an external hard drive today and he moved everything that i need and want off of mine and onto it and have it hooked up to tims.  its irritating but it works for now.  i have been given permission to put some of my editing programs onto tims computer but i just dont have a mouse to do the editing with.  i also looked at computers today while we were in town and i think that i will possibly buy a new one next month if i am unable to figure out what is wrong with mine.  other then that i went and got new piercings today, they are called snakebites.  its a double lip piercing.  it hurt to have it done but now its not bad other then when im trying to eat something and bite the post.

So Much On My Mind

There is so much that is going through my mind but so much of it I just cant bring myself to say.  I mean it truly seems like this year I am cursed.  I cant think of one thing that has went the way I need it to go or one thing that has happened that is good.  And I know that I could sit here and dwell on the past and everything but that would not be good for me.  It wouldnt help me mentally, emotionally or physically.  It would strip me of all energy and light that I have.  I have to focus on the good things in my life.  I have a wonderful man by my side that is willing to protect me no matter what, I have an amazing 2 yr old little boy that has fought amazing odds to be here, I have my grandfather that I get to be with everyday and I have the best friends that a person could ask for.  Now if only either Tim or I could obtain a paying job and not have to rely on his and Dante's social security.  Although this month there are a few things that I am so looking forwards too.  One is tomorrow we are heading into town, Bend/Redmond, and besides shopping and seeing friends I am getting my snakebite piercings done!  For those that dont know they are a double lip piercing and I will post pics tomorrow.  Also this month I am so ordering a treadmill, I know that spring is coming but we are still having crappy ass weather that we are not able to walk in and also with a treadmill I can walk trice a day and not just once.  I want to walk for an hour in the morning and an hour in the evening.  Last summer when I was walking for at least an hour a day I lost over 20 pounds and was so surprised that it was that easy.  I just cant wait.  Oh and I need to start looking for a new motor for my chevy and possibly a new computer :( oh well thats life.

If Its Not One Thing Its Another!

I swear I must be cursed this year!  As I am sitting here writing this I am on Tims laptop.  I think mine has decided that it no longer wants to live at least when it comes to the internet.  So much has happened in my life this year that makes me just want to curl up in a ball and just stay like that.  Mom and I have constantly faught, cant afford to repair my car, my grandmother passed away less then a month ago, my external laptop mouse fried and now my laptop is done.  This is one time I wish I could win the lotto lol.  Everytime I try to load that internet my computer closes the window! Its evil, I cant edit my photos cause I have no external mouse, and cant enter any online photo contests.  Ug I just hope that my computer doesnt truly take a shit cause I would literally loose my life.  Everything is on that thing including all of my photos from the last 3 years.  I was just planning on getting a new mouse Thursday but I guess I will be buying an external hard-drive so I can save everything safely.  It will probably take a month or two or three to save up to get a new computer too.  Anyone got some money they could loan lol.

Spring Renewal

So I have been hiding from my blog and from the world for the last month.  Well cant change that know.  But in one of my Cafemom groups we are recharging for Spring and doing daily challenges and today is to start a Spring Renewal Journal and what better what to start my blog again.  It involves writing daily about how we are too blossom this season.  So I guess instead of focusing on all the negative that has happened this last month I will focus on making myself better as a person and actually being happy with my life.  It might be a challenge to start but in the end it will be a blessing. Cant wait to start.  The first thing that I think I will do is finally except my grandmother's passing.  She passed on the 6th exactly 69 1/2 years of age.  I know that she had suffered way too long and that she is in a better place but not having her anymore to talk to and laugh with is hard.  Living in her house and seeing everything that was hers and being constantly reminded of her is even harder.  We buried her ashes on the 12th at two different cemeteries, at the family plot here of my grandfathers and at her families plot between her mother and her sister.  But I will always hold her close to my heart and remember the good times everyday every second.

January 30th & 31st ~ February 1st & 2nd

01-30-2011 ~ the local annoying woodpecker



01-31-2011 ~ a long hard day of work




02-01-2011 ~ just sitting waiting for Tim to get out of his appointment




02-02-2011 ~ the skies are changing



It was the straw that broke the camals back!

I told my mom about how I truly felt about her boyfriend.  Ugg it was the last straw yesterday.  I went through complete hell with my ex-husband and I know the signs of mental abuse and control when I see it now.  She doesnt do anything without him anymore.  She will not come home for even a few hours without him. She is afraid that if she goes somewhere for even a few minutes that he is going to cheat or if he leaves for a few that he will cheat.  She cant make choices for herself anymore and is always questioning everything that she does, what will he say or think.  She wont do things without his permission.  She is constantly calling me about how he is treating her and being mean to her but says that she will not leave him. 

I sent her a text earlier today saying that I would need her truck on the 1st and the 9th cause Tim and Dante had doctor appointments (she lets me use her truck till I can afford to fix my car).  Well she sent a text back saying "leave me alone", um she is the one that wanted to know what days.  Well I called her and she ignored my call, I mean hitting the ignore button and sending it straight to vm.  ugg great so I tried again and nothing then the next thing I know she is calling the house phone.  I answer and ask what, she wants to talk to my grandfather and let him know that I wont be able to use her truck and to see if I can use his car.  WTF!  She knows that he wont let me cause of how many miles are on the car.  Well I can hear her bf in the back ground tell her what to tell me.  OMG you have got to be kidding me.  Well I blew up and cussed her out and I dont remember half of what I said to her.  She started ignoring my calls again so I called his house phone and left nasty ass vms telling him just what I felt towards him.  They were something along the line of I hated his guts for turning my mom into someone that I no longer knew, that he was controlling her and that that was a form of mental abuse. 
Well I just sent her another message saying dont bother coming home that I will find a car to borrow or see if my gandfather will let me use the car and I will also be doing all of the grocery shopping so she can stay the fuck away from the house and us.  Well she just called the house and my grandfather answer and talked to her, I have no idea what she told him and he hasnt said anything to me yet.  This has so been a crappy day, week, month and year for me!

28th and 29th, January 2011

I really do seem to have a bad habit of forgetting to post daily lol.  Oh well it gives me more to post when I do.  Anyway yesterday I just kept putting off taking a photo cause I had no motivation or muse for the day.  Well as it crept closer to midnight I stared at my Mt. Dew bottle and instantly found what i wanted.  We have a bag of pop cans that are hanging in the kitchen and I just walked over pointed my camera down and zoomed in. 

Well as for todays I was inspired by mom sons jeans lol.  He wears wranglers and I have always thought that wranglers look cute on little kids. 

January 26 & 27

Yesterday was a nice day for being January in Oregon.  We still had to have at least a light jacket on but it was nice enough to play outside.  While Dante ran around the yard I decided to take my camera and snap photos of things that I like.  I believe that they turned out great and even though I only need one photo for my 365 I just cant decide.

Today was an even better day for an Oregon winter.  We were able to be outside to day without even a coat on! I was having a blast and Dante was having so much fun.

Operation Toddler Bed

So yesterday I transformed Dante's crib into a toddler bed.  Well first of all that was an adventure all in its own.  He actually did very well with his first night in a big boy bed, he sleep in it all night.  About 30 mintues after we put him to bed though he did fall out of it and caused himself to have a blood blister on his upper lip.  He also managed to try to fall out a second time but when I got up to check on him at 2am I was able to catch him and keep him from hitting the ground.  He has a bad habit of flipping around and sleeping at the foot of the bed instead of the head of the bed.  So today right before his nap I went and flipped around the bed.  Hoping that it will be fine from now on.  This is just step one in starting to potty training him. 

The 24th & 25th of January 2011

So I keep finding more and more things online that Tims parents are selling and some of them are way over priced and some I so want!  The swingset they are selling would be great in our backyard, the stands that they are selling they know we could use cause we have hardly any furniture of our own.  I know that they would never give that stuff to use and I also know that they would never let us buy it from them cause of everything that has happened.  They are also selling his moms high powered telescope that they know I want.  Its about 10 yrs old and cost about 5grand brand new and yet they are selling it for 5grand.  Ok no one is gonna be stupid enough to buy a ten year old telescope for that much.  I was looking around and the most you would be able to get from it would be 500 and that is through a pawn shop.  His dad is also selling a truck bed tool box that my mom would love to have and also an engine life and a tranny lift, I would love to have those to give to my grandfather but like I said they would never sell them to us. 

So on to my project.  Yesterday was a migraine day from hell.  Dante is throwing tantrums practically all day and we are running out of ways to prevent them. 

Todays photo was more of the last minute spur of the moment kinda thing.  I had taken my camera upstairs earlier today and left it up there so when Dante went to take his bath I grab it and just started snapping photos and got this.

Days 22 and 23 of January 2011

Well yesterday was a success in not loggin onto facebook for 24 hours straight and I still didnt log on till almost noon today.  At least now I know I can go without facebook and it was for a good cause.  I have been very happy for the last few days and I for once may owe that to Tims parents.  We got an email from then the other day stating that they are MOVING!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG I am so happy I just hope that they are moving far, far away!  Well yesterday I was snooping around on craigslist and went into the free section and noticed a post for a free crib with mattrass and a car seat, well we dont need those but I was drawn to open the post and low and behold it was Tim's parents getting rid of the crib and car seat they bought for when Dante was to be out there!  Yes that so means that they arent taking them with them so they have so finally gotten the point that they will not be allowed back into Dantes life after everything that they have done to us.  I also went back on craigslist today into the furniture section since we have been looking for some, I saw a post for end tables and a telephone table which we could so use but it was Tims parents again! I want them but so not that bad!  Anyway I am so happy that they are moving but I can tell that Tim is bummed cause of it.  They told him to call if he wanted their new address or anything but he just wont, he wants to show them he is his own person and doesnt need them or want then in his life.  They are his parents so its his choice but its hurting him.  I told him I dont care if he talks to them but he is not to talk about me or Dante or anything that has gone on here or that has to do with us. 

Well anyway on to my project!  First I have narrowed it down to two different blanket patterns for my knitting now its just to get the yarn that I need and to start.  Here are the photos for the 22nd and the 23rd:


January 22 ~ Chica ready for her close up



January 23 ~ Sunday News before edit




Sunday News after the edit



January 21, 2011

Im slowly learning not to rely on my cameras built in flash.  Its hard cause photos blur so much easier without it.  So my practice today without it I used the cat and man she was so not happy to have the camera in her face.  I was rather amused by her but she wasnt lol. . .

On another note ~ I will not be on facebook at all tomorrow the 22nd of January.  I am taking part in an event to make facebook more aware that them removing personal breastfeeding photos and removing breastfeeding support groups with breastfeeding photos up is not right.  I may have not been able to breastfeed my son but that doesnt mean that I dont want to support others and that I will not breastfeed my future children.  Women have the legal right to breastfeed in public anywhere at anytime covered or not and they should have the right to share their photos of them breastfeeding if they feel they want to.